Lewd Limericks

[willy9b]

There was a young lady from France,
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
The passengers fucked her,
And then the conductor,
While the driver came off in his pants.

There was a young man from Kent,
Whose tool was exceedingly bent.
To save himself trouble,
He pushed it in double,
And instead of coming -- he went!

A randy old bishop named Denzel
Sharpened it up like a pencil.
It went through an actress,
Two sheets and a mattress,
And shattered a bedroom utensil!

There was a young man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
A bright blue lily
Grew out of his Willy,
And his arse was a garden of weeds.

A randy young plumber named Lee,
Was plumbing his girl by the sea.
Said the girl "stop plumbing --
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber (still plumbing) "it's me!"

There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
At five cents a smell,
It went down bloody well,
But at ten cents a lick was a failure.

[themidlander]

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man on a punt
Grabbed hold of her leg
And said "You can't swim here it's private"

Doesn't quite work does it?
But subvert the medium that's what I say!

[88cui]

Mother hold her little Daughter
fifteen Minutes under Water
Not to make her any Troubles
just to see the funny Bubbles

[mrfixit]

a rule of thumb
to thoes who shit
after hours of holding it
when you finely get the chance
don't forget to drop your pants

[mrfixit]

here i sit broken harted
spent a dime and only farted
next time i'll take a chance
save a dime
and shit my pants

[Estreeter]

Jack and Betty, up in a tree
F-U-C-K-I-N-G
First comes Betty, then comes Jack
Then comes the goo from Betty's crack.

[vierenweg]

There once was a man from East Cheam
Who invented a wanking machine.
On the ninety-ninth stroke,
The bloody thing broke
And crushed his balls to cream.

[nopar king]

The was a man from Calcutta,
who tried to peep through a shutter,
all he could see,
was a young woman's knee,
and the arse of the man who was up her.

Another man from Calcutta,
tried to write cunt on a shutter,
he got to C U,
when a pious hindu,
kicked him right on his arse in the gutter.

There was a man named Bill,
who swallowed a gunpowder pill,
his bum backfired,
his heart expired,
and his willy shot over the hill.

There was a man from Cremorne,
who viewed all women with scorn,
a boy's fat white bum,
could not make him cum,
-old men's piles gave him the horn.

[Shy Talk]

I nce won a prize for:-

The Bustard's a lucky old fowl
He hasn't a reason to growl
Avoiding you see
Illegitamacy
By the provident use of a vowel


and another one...


A lesbian girl from Khartoum
Invited a queer to her room
She said "Let's get it right"
"'Ere we turn of the the light"
"Who does what and how and to whom?"

[Oswald]

Originally Posted by willy9b

There was a young man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
A bright blue lily
Grew out of his Willy,
And his arse was a garden of weeds.

Slightly different variation:

There was an old man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
Blades of grass grew from his arse
And his balls were covered in weeds.