A Great Play on Words

[jonesy]

Tony the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was
to fertilise the eggs.


Tony kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a
set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so Tony could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.


Farmer Tony's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine
specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Tony noticed old
Gordon’s bell hadn't rung at all!


Tony went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover. But to farmer Tony's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and
walk on to the next one.


Tony was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County
Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result
was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Peace Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren't paying attention.


Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

[iufrenchman]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21.. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

[electile disfunction]

I'm an incorrigible punster. Don't incorrige me.

e.d.

[TCO95]

She was bred in ole Kentucky but she's just a crumb up here.

The optometrist fell into the machinery and made a spectacle of himself.

[Mal Hombre]

She was only the bus driver's daughter but she always had room for one more on top

[iufrenchman]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

[electile disfunction]

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

e.d.

[Mal Hombre]

Aspect-What you get if you bend down in a hen-house

[electile disfunction]

(Mal Hombre's post reminded me of this one ... so blame MH. )


The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.

e.d.

[TCO95]

I went to the grocer and asked to buy enough milk to take a bath. "Pasteurize." he asked . "Nope, just up to my navel." I replied.