Post your corny jokes - Page 1158

**SanteeFats** · September 28th, 2016, 02:03 PM

I would hit you but that would count as animal abuse.

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

**photoflex** · September 28th, 2016, 02:19 PM

A woman called a local hospital...

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station..."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours
and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"

**trailmaster** · September 29th, 2016, 01:28 PM

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch." How much will you charge? The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband. "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, " and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

**SanteeFats** · September 29th, 2016, 02:19 PM

Biker's kid was sitting in English class. The teacher asked, "What comes after a sentence?" The biker kid stood up and said, "You make an appeal!"

**trailmaster** · September 30th, 2016, 01:57 PM

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh,my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" "No, she's....who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. " Let me tell you--Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

**Staffsyeoman** · September 30th, 2016, 03:45 PM

One our American pals won't get, but to explain would spoil it..
"How many cross dressers live in the Greater Manchester area?"
"I'm not sure, but I know 32,000 people have a Wigan address.."

**SanteeFats** · September 30th, 2016, 04:23 PM

When ever you get cold just go stand in a corner. They are always ninety degrees.

BigDog44 · September 30th, 2016, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Staffsyeoman

One our American pals won't get, but to explain would spoil it..
"How many cross dressers live in the Greater Manchester area?"
"I'm not sure, but I know 32,000 people have a Wigan address.."

Keeping the Wigan theme going, and again one a lot of people won't get (you need to understand the Wigan accent)
What time is it in Wigan when theres a pie next to the clock..... Summat ta eight.

BigDog44 · September 30th, 2016, 04:29 PM

As hard as it may be to believe, but I used to sing in church...... well.... at least until the police came!

**Isegrim** · September 30th, 2016, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

When ever you get cold just go stand in a corner. They are always ninety degrees.

Not to recommend for people of civilized nations that have meanwhile learned to use the metric system ...

September 28th, 2016, 02:19 PM	#11572
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,584 Thanks: 37,953 Thanked 127,847 Times in 3,571 Posts	A woman called a local hospital... "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station..." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!" __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

September 30th, 2016, 04:29 PM	#11579
BigDog44 Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 93 Thanks: 17,158 Thanked 1,358 Times in 93 Posts	As hard as it may be to believe, but I used to sing in church...... well.... at least until the police came! __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. God created woman, man created porn... art... porn I get confused still a great combination

September 28th, 2016, 02:03 PM	#11571
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,930 Thanks: 282,124 Thanked 815,492 Times in 60,973 Posts	I would hit you but that would count as animal abuse. A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

September 29th, 2016, 01:28 PM	#11573
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,934 Thanks: 1,329,476 Thanked 707,604 Times in 60,108 Posts	A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch." How much will you charge? The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband. "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, " and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

September 29th, 2016, 02:19 PM	#11574
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,930 Thanks: 282,124 Thanked 815,492 Times in 60,973 Posts	Biker's kid was sitting in English class. The teacher asked, "What comes after a sentence?" The biker kid stood up and said, "You make an appeal!"

September 30th, 2016, 01:57 PM	#11575
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,934 Thanks: 1,329,476 Thanked 707,604 Times in 60,108 Posts	A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh,my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food. Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" "No, she's....who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?" "That was you?!" the little boy says. " Let me tell you--Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

September 30th, 2016, 03:45 PM	#11576
Staffsyeoman Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 2,271 Thanks: 34,207 Thanked 26,790 Times in 2,162 Posts	One our American pals won't get, but to explain would spoil it.. "How many cross dressers live in the Greater Manchester area?" "I'm not sure, but I know 32,000 people have a Wigan address.."

September 30th, 2016, 04:23 PM	#11577
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,930 Thanks: 282,124 Thanked 815,492 Times in 60,973 Posts	When ever you get cold just go stand in a corner. They are always ninety degrees.