Post your corny jokes

[tamsmith]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge.

The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die.

At their funeral, the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna."

The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham."

The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."

[tamsmith]

An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese.

The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.

The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer.

On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!

Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before.

The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

[tamsmith]

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light.

"No ma'am", said the Gardener.

[tamsmith]

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well, turns out she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

[tamsmith]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[SanteeFats]

Playing with my knobs starts me flowing.
You need a towel after your through.
Grabbing my hose can me spray.
I can't stop dripping call a pro.
If you are under me too long you start to shrive.
Wanna guess??



A faucet

[haliose]

a man was walking on a beach wen he kicked a bottle .
he picked it up and undid the top.
wooosh out pops a genie .
thank you sir ,you have one wish only .
the man thinks and says i want to live forever .
sorry the genie said we dont do those .
the man thinks again .
i want to die happy wen england win the world cup .
genie looks at the man and said ....
clever bastard arnt you .

[slisse]

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor.

When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.

He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.

She did so.

The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her ‘private parts’.

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

[sandyd]

Two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.""

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[SanteeFats]

was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."


At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."