Post your corny jokes - Page 318

**Mal Hombre** · December 26th, 2011, 01:38 PM

Alan Hansen has apologised for His off colour remarks...

**Eric Cartman** · December 26th, 2011, 05:13 PM

December 14, 1992
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,

Agnes

December 15, 1992
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,

Agnes

December 16, 1992
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,

Agnes

December 17, 1992
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,

Agnes

December 18, 1992
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,

Agnes

December 19, 1992
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,

Agnes

December 20, 1992
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,

Agnes

December 21, 1992
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes

December 22, 1992
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours!

Agnes

December 23, 1992
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes

December 24, 1992
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

December 25, 1992
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

**Jeff Vader** · December 26th, 2011, 05:14 PM

I staggered in the pub near closing time with my 5 year old son in his pyjamas.
"Another double whisky for me and a shandy for the lad" I asked.
"Don't you think you're being a bit irresponsible?" said the barmaid.
"I don't know what you mean?" I replied. "One of us has got to drive home."

**Eric Cartman** · December 26th, 2011, 06:52 PM

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said it's been snowing since early this morning. The snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature has dropped well below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

**Jeff Vader** · December 27th, 2011, 02:52 PM

The Ventriloquists' Guild have responded with positive reviews for my new book "CPR for Dummies."

**Eric Cartman** · December 27th, 2011, 04:15 PM

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
----------------------------------------------------------------
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
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MONTANA -- At least our cows are sane!
----------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
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It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.
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Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
---------------------------------------------------------------
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
----------------------------------------------------------------
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

**Jeff Vader** · December 27th, 2011, 08:01 PM

If a group of necrophiliacs met a group of zombies, who would do the chasing?

**Jonno71** · December 27th, 2011, 09:33 PM

Charming! Parents tell and let a old man with a white beard and dressed in red into a child's bedroom at Christmas. I do it I get arrested.

**Jonno71** · December 27th, 2011, 09:50 PM

I bought my daughter an iPAD, my son an iPOD, me an iPHONE and the Mrs an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!

**photoflex** · December 27th, 2011, 10:35 PM

When I got home with my arms full of Christmas shopping, the lil'uns were so exited, one of them caught their fingers in the door.
They may look tiny and fragile, but I was surprised at how much pressure I had to put on to get the door to lock.

December 26th, 2011, 01:38 PM	#3171
Mal Hombre El Super Moderador Join Date: May 2009 Location: Adoptive Monkey Hanger Posts: 58,134 Thanks: 772,663 Thanked 855,752 Times in 57,565 Posts	Alan Hansen has apologised for His off colour remarks... __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. If in doubt, Just ask Yourself What Would Max Do ? It is a porn site,But its a Classy porn site. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

December 26th, 2011, 05:13 PM	#3172
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	12 Days of Christmas December 14, 1992 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1992 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1992 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1992 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1992 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19, 1992 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 1992 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1992 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes December 22, 1992 Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 1992 You rotten prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you ! Agnes December 24, 1992 Listen Fuckhead: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 1992 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole Last edited by Eric Cartman; July 5th, 2012 at 01:24 PM..

December 26th, 2011, 05:14 PM	#3173
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I staggered in the pub near closing time with my 5 year old son in his pyjamas. "Another double whisky for me and a shandy for the lad" I asked. "Don't you think you're being a bit irresponsible?" said the barmaid. "I don't know what you mean?" I replied. "One of us has got to drive home." __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

December 26th, 2011, 06:52 PM	#3174
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	Terrible Winter Weather I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said it's been snowing since early this morning. The snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature has dropped well below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

December 27th, 2011, 02:52 PM	#3175
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	The Ventriloquists' Guild have responded with positive reviews for my new book "CPR for Dummies." __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

December 27th, 2011, 04:15 PM	#3176
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	Actual Bumper Stickers I love cats ... they taste just like chicken ---------------------------------------------------------------- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Cover me. I'm changing lanes. ---------------------------------------------------------------- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools ---------------------------------------------------------------- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep ---------------------------------------------------------------- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ... ---------------------------------------------------------------- MONTANA -- At least our cows are sane! ---------------------------------------------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! ---------------------------------------------------------------- It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. ---------------------------------------------------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. ---------------------------------------------------------------- I took an IQ test and the results were negative. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Where there's a will, I want to be in it! ---------------------------------------------------------------- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? ---------------------------------------------------------------- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. --------------------------------------------------------------- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. ----------------------------------------------------------------- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

December 27th, 2011, 08:01 PM	#3177
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	If a group of necrophiliacs met a group of zombies, who would do the chasing? __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

December 27th, 2011, 09:33 PM	#3178
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	Charming! Parents tell and let a old man with a white beard and dressed in red into a child's bedroom at Christmas. I do it I get arrested.

December 27th, 2011, 09:50 PM	#3179
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	I bought my daughter an iPAD, my son an iPOD, me an iPHONE and the Mrs an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!

December 27th, 2011, 10:35 PM	#3180
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,923 Thanked 127,779 Times in 3,570 Posts	When I got home with my arms full of Christmas shopping, the lil'uns were so exited, one of them caught their fingers in the door. They may look tiny and fragile, but I was surprised at how much pressure I had to put on to get the door to lock. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

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