Post your corny jokes - Page 369

**Jeff Vader** · March 20th, 2012, 05:14 PM

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, of course, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost ...

**Jeff Vader** · March 20th, 2012, 05:47 PM

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,a drunk American led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For f*#k's sake, you stupid b*ast*rd. It's ten past three in the bloody morning !!!'

P37 · March 21st, 2012, 08:29 AM

A rabbit and a squirrel were passing the time of day when the squuirrel mentioned he was too scared to cross the road as the traffic frightened him.

The rabbit asked why he was so scared.

Well the squirrel replied I have lost so many friends to cars running them over that I just don't want to take a chance myself

Oh that's easy to avoid, said the rabbit all you do is cross at night and that way when the cas approach you get central between the headlights and just duck down and they pass right over you and is easy.

I'm not so sure said the squirrel.

Here you just watch and learn said the rabbit.

So off hops the rabbit and does just as he said, positionong himself right between the lights and ducking down at the last moment .

When the car has passed he hops back to the squirrel and says ok your turn now.

Still unsure but not wanting to be seen as a coward the squirrel moves timmidly out into the road and watches as the lights get loser then just as tthe rabbit did he ducks down and the car passes by.

The rabbit hops over, looks down at the squashed squirrel and mutters to himself, thats the first reliant robin down this road for ten years.

**electile disfunction** · March 21st, 2012, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeff Vader

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs...

Old pipers never die, they just march slowly away with amazing grace.

**tygrkhat40** · March 21st, 2012, 01:43 PM

Why do they call it the "skreel" of the bagpipe?

Because "EEEOHAGARONAEEEONK" is too hard to pronounce.

**Jeff Vader** · March 21st, 2012, 09:21 PM

I was in Tesco the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was startingThe Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally believing it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my arse when a car hit me".

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Frakas · March 21st, 2012, 09:29 PM

Did you hear about the beautiful brunette schoolteacher? This poor lady's skirt accidentally blew up one day, causing quite a stir because her garter-belts, stocking tops and bikini panties all came into clear view of the entire school!

When the Principal was asked what consequences she should face, he said "SUSPENDER!"

**Jeff Vader** · March 22nd, 2012, 04:16 AM

The cost of living has got so bad that my Mrs is now having sex with me because she can't afford batteries

**dbailey** · March 22nd, 2012, 04:40 PM

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w@nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'

P37 · March 22nd, 2012, 07:12 PM

Tablets

The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I am still looking for a place to live.

March 20th, 2012, 05:14 PM	#3681
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	The Bagpiper As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, of course, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost ... __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

March 20th, 2012, 05:47 PM	#3682
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,a drunk American led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked 'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).' 'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For f#k's sake, you stupid bastrd. It's ten past three in the bloody morning !!!' __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.* Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

March 21st, 2012, 01:43 PM	#3685
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 152,528 Times in 9,629 Posts	Why do they call it the "skreel" of the bagpipe? Because "EEEOHAGARONAEEEONK" is too hard to pronounce. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

March 21st, 2012, 09:21 PM	#3686
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	I was in Tesco the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was startingThe Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally believing it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my arse when a car hit me". I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

March 22nd, 2012, 04:16 AM	#3688
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	The cost of living has got so bad that my Mrs is now having sex with me because she can't afford batteries __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

March 21st, 2012, 08:29 AM	#3683
P37 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: in the deep end Posts: 648 Thanks: 4,235 Thanked 5,571 Times in 620 Posts	A rabbit and a squirrel were passing the time of day when the squuirrel mentioned he was too scared to cross the road as the traffic frightened him. The rabbit asked why he was so scared. Well the squirrel replied I have lost so many friends to cars running them over that I just don't want to take a chance myself Oh that's easy to avoid, said the rabbit all you do is cross at night and that way when the cas approach you get central between the headlights and just duck down and they pass right over you and is easy. I'm not so sure said the squirrel. Here you just watch and learn said the rabbit. So off hops the rabbit and does just as he said, positionong himself right between the lights and ducking down at the last moment . When the car has passed he hops back to the squirrel and says ok your turn now. Still unsure but not wanting to be seen as a coward the squirrel moves timmidly out into the road and watches as the lights get loser then just as tthe rabbit did he ducks down and the car passes by. The rabbit hops over, looks down at the squashed squirrel and mutters to himself, thats the first reliant robin down this road for ten years.

March 21st, 2012, 09:29 PM	#3687
Frakas Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 209 Thanks: 1,721 Thanked 2,101 Times in 204 Posts	Did you hear about the beautiful brunette schoolteacher? This poor lady's skirt accidentally blew up one day, causing quite a stir because her garter-belts, stocking tops and bikini panties all came into clear view of the entire school! When the Principal was asked what consequences she should face, he said "SUSPENDER!"

March 22nd, 2012, 04:40 PM	#3689
dbailey Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Wharfedale, Yorkshire, UK Posts: 2,298 Thanks: 137,964 Thanked 24,965 Times in 2,218 Posts	This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race............. A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?' The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those w@nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'

March 22nd, 2012, 07:12 PM	#3690
P37 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: in the deep end Posts: 648 Thanks: 4,235 Thanked 5,571 Times in 620 Posts	Tablets The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I am still looking for a place to live.

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