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July 18th, 2018, 02:04 AM | #13551 |
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Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. It has to WANT to change.
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July 18th, 2018, 03:36 PM | #13552 |
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ? ,
One is really heavy and the other a little lighter.
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July 18th, 2018, 06:51 PM | #13553 |
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Mick & Paddy sitting in a pub, Mick says I haven't seen Murphy for a while. Paddy replies he came out of hospital last week, had to have his ears removed. He will be in tonight but don't say anything as he is quite touchy about it. Murphy walks in, Mick offers to buy him a drink. As he sits down with his drink Mick says to Murphy, your eyesight must be getting better as your not wearing your glasses.
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July 18th, 2018, 06:52 PM | #13554 |
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Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A: To see his flat mate.
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July 19th, 2018, 01:53 AM | #13555 |
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Miniature Horse
A guy walks into a bar. He orders a drink, then notices a horse next to him lapping at a mug of beer. The guy asks the bartender, "Hey...what's with the horse?" And the bartender answers, "Oh...that's Louie. Been coming in here for years. Never shows any emotion." The guy looks the horse over, then says to the bartender, "I bet ya a round of drinks I can make him laugh." So the bartender agrees, and the guy leads the horse to the back room. A few minutes later the pair return, and the horse is laughing his ass off. The bartender is amazed and says, "Wow! Nobody's ever done that before! How'd you do it?" So the guy answers, "I told him I had a bigger dick than him." The bartender responds, "Pretty good. Tell ya what...if you can make him cry, it'll be free drinks all night." So the guy leads the horse to the back again, and again returns a minute later, with the horse blubbering and sobbing. "Damn! What'd you do this time?" asks the barkeep. And the guy says, "I showed him."
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July 20th, 2018, 03:24 PM | #13556 |
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I'm surprised nobody has discovered a cure for anorexia. You'd think it was a piece of cake.
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July 20th, 2018, 03:33 PM | #13557 |
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July 20th, 2018, 04:14 PM | #13558 |
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Eve's Chat With God
God asked, "What is it, Eve?" Eve replied, "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that Eve?" "Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "Man? What is that Lord?" "A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger and faster and will love to hunt, fish, and bring you good things to eat. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like playing cards and gambling and knocking a ball around. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," said Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch?" "Well,.. you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord?" "Well, since he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our secret... you know, woman to woman."
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July 21st, 2018, 12:04 AM | #13559 |
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An elderly couple go to the doctor's office for their one-year check up. The husband goes first, and the wife sits down in the waiting room to knit. A while later, the old husband sticks his head out of the exam room and says, "Hey, Mabel. Do we have regular intercourse?" Mabel looks up from her knitting and says, "Henry...if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, we have Blue Cross Blue Shield!"
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July 21st, 2018, 09:59 AM | #13560 |
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Hear about the Irishman who thought that mow the grass was a Jewish informer.
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