Post your corny jokes - Page 1404

**vo1v0d** · November 17th, 2018, 12:58 AM

Alexi Sayle:- My girlfriend is a model. At the moment she is an Airfix Junkers JU87 Stuka dive bomber.

**bloke57** · November 17th, 2018, 09:57 AM

Sadly, my wife and I can't have children.

Not the way we do it.

**gedly** · November 17th, 2018, 07:59 PM

My wife fancies a holiday in Transylvania. I'm not so keen. I've just heard so many horror stories.

**vo1v0d** · November 17th, 2018, 11:19 PM

My husband knocks me about.
Ignore her; she's punchdrunk

**mrfixit** · November 18th, 2018, 03:25 AM

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
“Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:
“Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

**mrfixit** · November 18th, 2018, 03:27 AM

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says,
“Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”
The new man asked, “What happened?”
“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”

Estreeter · November 18th, 2018, 09:01 AM

Aaron · November 18th, 2018, 02:28 PM

They always say in reports, "The survivors resorted to cannibalism." Sounds like a lousy resort. I'll stay home, thanks.

###

They always say in reports, "The survivors resorted to cannibalism." The greater horror is, "The employees resorted to vending machine food and coffee."

Aaron · November 19th, 2018, 12:38 AM

When I was little, my mother used to feed me alphabet soup claiming I said I loved it. I didn't. She was putting words in my mouth.

**pudpuller** · November 19th, 2018, 02:54 AM

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, S will replace the soft C. Sertainly this will make the sivil servant jump with joy. The hard C will be dropped in favor of the K. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome PH will be replaced with the F. This will make words like "fotograf" 20 percent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horiblemes of the silent Es in the language is disgraceful and that they should go away. By the fourth yar peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing TH with Z and W with V.

During ze fifth yar, ze unesesary O kan be dropd from vords kontaining OU and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

November 18th, 2018, 03:25 AM	#14035
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,774 Thanked 114,811 Times in 9,416 Posts	A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die. The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?” __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

November 18th, 2018, 03:27 AM	#14036
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,774 Thanked 114,811 Times in 9,416 Posts	A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.” The new man asked, “What happened?” “One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!” __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

November 18th, 2018, 09:01 AM	#14037
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,115 Thanks: 449,709 Thanked 896,758 Times in 60,312 Posts	__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

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November 17th, 2018, 12:58 AM	#14031
vo1v0d Hideous By Nature Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: sarf eeeest lunden Posts: 8,225 Thanks: 42,174 Thanked 60,518 Times in 7,439 Posts	Alexi Sayle:- My girlfriend is a model. At the moment she is an Airfix Junkers JU87 Stuka dive bomber.

November 17th, 2018, 09:57 AM	#14032
bloke57 Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Unaffordable housing Posts: 4,923 Thanks: 31,646 Thanked 68,928 Times in 4,921 Posts	Sadly, my wife and I can't have children. Not the way we do it.

November 17th, 2018, 07:59 PM	#14033
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,306 Times in 3,171 Posts	My wife fancies a holiday in Transylvania. I'm not so keen. I've just heard so many horror stories.

November 17th, 2018, 11:19 PM	#14034
vo1v0d Hideous By Nature Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: sarf eeeest lunden Posts: 8,225 Thanks: 42,174 Thanked 60,518 Times in 7,439 Posts	My husband knocks me about. Ignore her; she's punchdrunk

November 18th, 2018, 02:28 PM	#14038
Aaron Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: U.S. of A. Posts: 206 Thanks: 6,639 Thanked 2,740 Times in 201 Posts	They always say in reports, "The survivors resorted to cannibalism." Sounds like a lousy resort. I'll stay home, thanks. ### They always say in reports, "The survivors resorted to cannibalism." The greater horror is, "The employees resorted to vending machine food and coffee."

November 19th, 2018, 12:38 AM	#14039
Aaron Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: U.S. of A. Posts: 206 Thanks: 6,639 Thanked 2,740 Times in 201 Posts	When I was little, my mother used to feed me alphabet soup claiming I said I loved it. I didn't. She was putting words in my mouth.

November 19th, 2018, 02:54 AM	#14040
pudpuller Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 1,483 Thanks: 12,984 Thanked 55,126 Times in 1,506 Posts	The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish." In the first year, S will replace the soft C. Sertainly this will make the sivil servant jump with joy. The hard C will be dropped in favor of the K. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome PH will be replaced with the F. This will make words like "fotograf" 20 percent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horiblemes of the silent Es in the language is disgraceful and that they should go away. By the fourth yar peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing TH with Z and W with V. During ze fifth yar, ze unesesary O kan be dropd from vords kontaining OU and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!