Post your corny jokes

[Jeff Vader]

Russell Brand has been refused entry to South Africa because he gave false information on his passport.

It appears he entered 'comedian' as his profession.

[retroanalyst]

American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years.

Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident he can teach them some words.

[boneym]

"Hey mate, why do you make such a happy face?"
"I went to Vegas, found me a beautiful whore, nailed her all night long, paid her 200$ and married her"
"Oh dear!! Isnt that a really bad idea?"
"Well, you see I told her that now I had not even 1 Cent left in my pocket. So she wanted a divorce and I got 100$ back!!"

[slisse]

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history.
Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills.
They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

[photoflex]

Originally Posted by retroanalyst

American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years.
Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident he can teach them some words.

I heard he asked to be frozen again, after failing to find a single new joke in this thread.....

[gedly]

I said to my mate, "My son told me he really likes the strict discipline a teacher at the local school gives him". My mate says , "Well, what's wrong with that?". I reply, "Well, the thing is he's 35 years old".

[Jeff Vader]

I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

[photoflex]

Originally Posted by Jeff Vader

I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

Had to check, mine don't have a date on.
Must have bought them before they started doing that!

[tamsmith]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.

But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once, like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[haymarket]

It was Christmas Eve
A married couple was doing some last minute Xmas shopping when the husband suddenly disappeared, so she phoned him on his mobile.

"Where are you?"

In a calm voice, he replied,

"Darling, remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, that we could not afford?" "And i said one day i would get it for you.."

Her eyes filled with tears. "Yes, i remember!!" she said.

"Well, i'm in the pub next door to that.."