Lewd Limericks

[Jeff Vader]

A desperate young spinster from Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare
And prayed to god
for a romp on the sod
A passerby answered her prayer.

There was a young fellow named Cass
Whose bollocks were made out of brass
When they tinkled together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass

There was a young lady named Jeannie
Whose Dad was a terrible meanie
He fashioned a hatch
And a latch for her snatch
She could only be had by Houdini

There's a wonderful family called Stein
There's Gert, There's Ep, And there's Ein.
Gert's poems are bunk
Eps Statues are junk
And no-one can understand Ein.



There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset,
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

Of this story we hear from Nantucket,
About the mysterious loss of a bucket,
We are sorry for Nan,
As well as the man—
The cash and the bucket, Pawtucket.

[Estreeter]

Little Miss Muffet, sat on a Tuffet
A Light bulb was stuck up her ass
It woke up the spider,
Who lived deep inside her,
He said, hey, free electric and gas

[Estreeter]

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater
whacked off in the movie theater.
Sprayed his load across the screen
and ruined Titanics final scene

[nopar king]

From Mayfair 40th Anniversary Issue, I don't know when it was from originally.
Here it is again,

Our drum majorettes are the best.
They march whilst getting undressed.
And what do they play
As they're stripping away?
Air on a G-string? You guessed!

[nopar king]

Three more from MF 40th, "Gentlemen, that reminds me..." sadly no illustrations with these ones.

There was a young actress named Ransom
Who was raped seven times in a hansom
When she clamoured for more
Came a voice from the floor,
'The name, ma'am, is Simpson-not Samson'

A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she 'You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
I had him myself down in Leicester.'

There was a young fellow of Cork
Who couldn't get his bladder to work.
He at last freed his organ
From its terrible burden,
By piercing the end with a fork.

[Mal Hombre]

There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was exceedingly bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming,He went

[Estreeter]

Rock-a- bye baby
On the tree top
Your mothers a whore
I aint your Pop

[nopar king]

OK this ones not great, can anyone do any better?

If you were an adult performer,
In films that were hot not just warmer,
Try Vintage Erotica Forum,
And see an old pic of your bum,
We like it, it goes down a stormer.

[fisongb]

While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and 'ad 'er!

[iufrenchman]

There once was an old man named Post
Who spread TNT on his toast
They found his eyeglasses
Up some Thai twins asses
And his moustache on Ivory Coast.