Lewd Limericks

[rlg118]

There was a gay man from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom

[Mantissa]

"I am done with my boyfriend," sobbed Faye.
"Our love affair ended today.
He kept nagging me, 'Please,
Can't you lower your fees?'
Like I'm just gonna give it away!"
- Chris J. Strolin

[Mantissa]

I discovered these, about how to write decent limericks, when looking through some old threads posted on the alt.jokes.limericks newsgroup.

"And, for fun, here is Mr. Malo's Lawrence Welk tutorial on limericks:

an' a-one an' a-two an' a-three
an' a-one an' a-two an' a-three
an' a-one an' a-two
an' a-one an' a-two
an' a-one an' a-two an' a-three

(effing) Easy as Easy can Be
when a Dumb hunky Polack like Me
with a Head made of Wood
can write Lim'ricks this Good
so just Practice a Lot and you'll See
- Mr. Malo"

[ATRIV8]

There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

[ATRIV8]

There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They clashed together
And sparks shot out of his ass

[ATRIV8]

There was a young girl from Tonga
Who went to bed with a conga
When asked how it felt
She said "Though it smellt,
It was just like a man's, only longer"

[Mantissa]

She's a beautiful girl and she's chased
By the guys who have excellent taste.
Though beneath a slim waist,
Her trim backside is placed,
She stays virginal, chaste. What a waste!
- SheilaB

[Mantissa]

(A saucy postcard produced by the late, great Donald McGill)

"This jelly's too sloppy," said Shelley.
"It's too thin to go in my belly.
There's two things I like firm,
You obsequious worm,
And one of them, mate, is my jelly!"
- David Miller

[Mantissa]

It swung and it hung and it jiggled.
She grabbed it, and that's when it wriggled.
"Oh my goodness," she cried.
"Now what's wrong?" he replied.
"You're caudate," she gasped: then she giggled.
- bestswanbird

To be caudate is to possess a tail or a tail-like appendage.

OOEERR! Well, gents, aren't we the lucky ones.

[Mantissa]

"You like to come 'ome wiz me, Meester?
Fifty euros." I thought that the least a
Guy like me ought to do
Was to give her a screw,
And the money, and say 'Happy Easter!'
- timon