Post your corny jokes

[KingKeigh]

Man Laws . . .

The International Council of Man laws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach . . . and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,
"are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


I hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Man laws, Ltd.

[ultrawildcat]

30. Under no circumstances do you ride on the bitch seat of a woman's Harley, unless she's taking you back to her place to have a 3way with her and her centerfold-quality girlfriend/roommate/bisexual lover.

[sesamus]

Paddy and Mick and Séamus are drinking one Monday afternoon -

Mick says "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

Then Séamus says "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then Paddy says "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies Paddy, "but it happened to my sister!"

[cuzzyman927]

This guy goes into a pharmacy to buy a box of condoms. The girl clerk asks him what size do you want? So the guy says, Gee, I don't really know.
The clerk says to him, well go out back behind the building and there is a fence with three different size holes in it ... stick it in them and then come back and tell me which size it fits the best in.

So the guy goes out back ... and meanwhile the girl clerk goes out the back door and secretly goes behind the fence. She puts her ass up to the first hole and the guy sticks his dick in.
Not bad he says, but still not sure he sticks his dick into the second hole ... and now the clerk has her pussy up to the hole.
Oh, that feels better he says, but still not quite sure he sticks his dick into the third hole ... and now the clerk has her mouth behind the hole.
Oh yes, that feels very nice he says.

So he goes back into the pharmacy. The girl clerk, who is already back inside asks him ... Well, did you decide which size you need?
So the guy says, The hell with the rubbers, give me 50 feet of that fence!

[cuzzyman927]

Junior landed his first job as a salesperson at a department store, so upon his first day of work the store manager asks him if he has had any experience being a salesperson.
So the lad nervously replied, No sir I haven't.

The store manager says to the lad, it easy and quite simple. The first rule of thumb is that when someone comes in to buy something you always try to sell them something else that they may need.
Watch, I'll show you, said the manager.

So the manager goes up to a customer and asks, Can I help you sir? The guy replies, Yes, I would like to buy a bag of grass seed.
Very good sir, the manager replies ... and oh by the way sir, the manager asks, Can I interest you in this lawn mower? You're going to need it to cut the grass when that grass seed grows.
I never thought of that, the customer replies, OK I'll take it.

So the manager returns to the lad and says, see how easy that was? Now you try it my boy.
So this guy walks into the store, and the lad goes up to him and asks, Can I help you sir?
The man shyly replies, Yes, I'd like a box of tampons, they're for my wife.
Yes sir, I'll get them for you, the lad replied ... Oh by the way sir, would you like to buy a lawn mower?

Now the manager standing a little ways away observing the lad immediately comes over and asks the lad, Why the hell are you trying to sell this customer a lawn mower?

The lad replies, Well its obvious that his weekend is all fucked up, so he might as well cut the grass!

[sesamus]

A guy is driving along with his blonde girlfriend sitting beside him. He tells her to stick her head out the window to see if the blinkers are working. She puts her head out and says "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

[gedly]

"That double glazing we sold you, you haven't paid us a penny"
"You told me it would pay for itself in 12 months"

[Mal Hombre]

I just found out My Wife's been spending Her afternoons in The Gardener's arms.I've sacked the bastard now...

[sesamus]

The kids kept finding their Christmas presents we'd hidden in our wardrobe and under our bed, and my wife said the only way to stop it would be to put them in the loft.

I can still hear them crying though.

[rustler]

The local Salvation Army office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So the person in charge of contributions called on him to persuade him to contribute.........

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least £400,000, you give not a single penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my own mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army officer mumbled, "Um ...er..... no....."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken Salvation Army officer began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again by the lawyer......

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated Salvation Army officer, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea, I am so sorr......"

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why the hell should I give any to you?"