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September 13th, 2012, 05:36 PM | #5001 |
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BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine.... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN andTHANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. |
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September 13th, 2012, 09:54 PM | #5002 |
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There's Essex girls everywhere!
This Dutch blonde apologizes to her twin brother . For forgetting his birthday! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvypeDrI6PY&feature=plcp You can't make that up!
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September 13th, 2012, 09:59 PM | #5003 |
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My guide and I were stuck on top of a mountain, with his arm wedged in a crevice.
"You have to cut my arm off. No matter how much I scream or shout, you must persevere, otherwise we will both die here!", he said. It was a horrible business, blood everywhere, it made me feel really unwell. All the ungrateful bastard could say after regaining consciousness, was; "The other arm!"
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September 13th, 2012, 11:23 PM | #5004 |
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I went to a Nudist Wedding last week,I was within an inch of being the best man...
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September 14th, 2012, 08:16 AM | #5005 |
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Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment. Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe. Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!' Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.' |
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September 14th, 2012, 04:55 PM | #5006 |
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So I said to my girlfriend "You really are a brainless bimbo, aren't you?"
She just looked at me and went "Whatever, you got a problem with that". |
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September 14th, 2012, 10:20 PM | #5007 |
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Kanzi is a Bonobo, one of those chimps that have sex to solve issues instead of fighting.
I've had several serious rows with teachers during the few years of my education and always ended up in detention. He's 31 and has had the same teacher all his life. Which makes me wonder......
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September 15th, 2012, 01:55 PM | #5008 |
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness." "Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway." "You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.." "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, " It's for you to decide how many inches you want." "But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out." "But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed." "So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have" says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having new granite worktops in the kitchen." |
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September 15th, 2012, 03:32 PM | #5009 |
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A nun dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says to her,
"I'm sure you've led a virtuous life, but before i can let you into heaven, you must answer one question". "I'm ready St Peter", says the nun. "ask me anything". "Ok, what were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?" says St Peter. "Boy", says the nun "thats a really hard one". "Thats the correct answer!" says St Peter, and the pearly gates open wide. |
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September 15th, 2012, 03:33 PM | #5010 |
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A Kentucky couple, both bonafide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision, why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. |
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