Twisted sick jokes that`ll send us ALL to hell. - Page 80

**@llatse@** · January 10th, 2016, 07:43 PM

When I was a little lad and was made to go to Sunday School.....this nun was talking about Jesus. So I put my hand up and asked "Is it true that Jesus was a carpenter?" The nun beamed at my interest and nodded....yes he was.
"Blimey" I said "Must've come in handy when the Romans made him make his own cross"
My ears are still ringing....those nuns are vicious with ruler

**SanteeFats** · January 10th, 2016, 07:50 PM

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint:
Your name please?
He replies "Abdul Aziz"
"Sex"?
Abdul: "Six times a week"
"No no, I mean male or female"?
Abdul: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel"

**sweatyhat** · January 11th, 2016, 08:20 PM

What was David Bowie's last hit?
Probably morphine.

Credit to OP

**Doodlebugged** · January 12th, 2016, 04:03 AM

The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a coffee cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to fill up the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use a bucket because it's bigger than a spoon or a teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would use the plug. Do you want a bed by the window?"

**@llatse@** · January 12th, 2016, 08:52 AM

A guy goes to the doctors worried about his wife, he goes thru' the symptoms with the quack and they can't decide whether it's alzheimers or aids......so the doc says "Take your wife out to the woods and if she finds her way back don't f*ck her"

**SanteeFats** · January 12th, 2016, 03:00 PM

How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one.....but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it!

**Doodlebugged** · January 13th, 2016, 07:13 AM

Morning Sex.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and she said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a bit puzzled I asked, "What was all that about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

**@llatse@** · January 13th, 2016, 09:29 AM

A guy lands on a desert island alone after a ship wreck, he finds it's forested with fruit trees and there's plenty of water....but after a few weeks he's lonely.....so he finds a tree with just the right size knothole and covered in moss with a little imagination he begins to regularly use this mossy hole for sexual recreation.
Six months pass and a beautiful blonde is washed up on the shore, the guy nurses her back to health gives her food and water etc. The blonde grateful spreads her legs and tells the man he can have her......whereupon he boots her right in the fanny......"What did you do that for?" She cries in agony
"Just checking for squirrels" Says the guy

**@llatse@** · January 13th, 2016, 09:52 AM

Overheard in a pub

1st guy "My GFs split up wiv me"
2nd guy "Shame......whys that?"
1st guy "I made a joke about the Pope"
2nd guy "Cooo bit much mate seeing as she's a Catholic"
1st guy "Yeah I knew she was a Catholic.....just dint know the Pope was"

January 10th, 2016, 05:51 PM	#791
Doodlebugged Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London Posts: 825 Thanks: 13,129 Thanked 13,753 Times in 776 Posts	__________________ Keeping the British end up. One stroke at a time. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 10th, 2016, 07:43 PM	#792
@llatse@ Vintage Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Over the hills and far away Posts: 2,150 Thanks: 7,748 Thanked 24,861 Times in 2,098 Posts	When I was a little lad and was made to go to Sunday School.....this nun was talking about Jesus. So I put my hand up and asked "Is it true that Jesus was a carpenter?" The nun beamed at my interest and nodded....yes he was. "Blimey" I said "Must've come in handy when the Romans made him make his own cross" My ears are still ringing....those nuns are vicious with ruler __________________ Lord, we might end up dead or worse, poor

January 11th, 2016, 08:20 PM	#794
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,911 Times in 10,563 Posts	What was David Bowie's last hit? Probably morphine. Credit to OP __________________

January 12th, 2016, 04:03 AM	#795
Doodlebugged Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London Posts: 825 Thanks: 13,129 Thanked 13,753 Times in 776 Posts	The Bathtub Test. During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a coffee cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to fill up the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use a bucket because it's bigger than a spoon or a teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would use the plug. Do you want a bed by the window?" __________________ Keeping the British end up. One stroke at a time. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 12th, 2016, 08:52 AM	#796
@llatse@ Vintage Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Over the hills and far away Posts: 2,150 Thanks: 7,748 Thanked 24,861 Times in 2,098 Posts	A guy goes to the doctors worried about his wife, he goes thru' the symptoms with the quack and they can't decide whether it's alzheimers or aids......so the doc says "Take your wife out to the woods and if she finds her way back don't f*ck her" __________________ Lord, we might end up dead or worse, poor

January 10th, 2016, 07:50 PM	#793
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,813 Thanks: 281,805 Thanked 813,782 Times in 60,861 Posts	An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint: Your name please? He replies "Abdul Aziz" "Sex"? Abdul: "Six times a week" "No no, I mean male or female"? Abdul: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel"

January 12th, 2016, 03:00 PM	#797
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,813 Thanks: 281,805 Thanked 813,782 Times in 60,861 Posts	How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb? Only one.....but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it!

January 13th, 2016, 07:13 AM	#798
Doodlebugged Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London Posts: 825 Thanks: 13,129 Thanked 13,753 Times in 776 Posts	Morning Sex. She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and she said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." My eyes lit up and I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards, she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a bit puzzled I asked, "What was all that about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." __________________ Keeping the British end up. One stroke at a time. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 13th, 2016, 09:29 AM	#799
@llatse@ Vintage Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Over the hills and far away Posts: 2,150 Thanks: 7,748 Thanked 24,861 Times in 2,098 Posts	A guy lands on a desert island alone after a ship wreck, he finds it's forested with fruit trees and there's plenty of water....but after a few weeks he's lonely.....so he finds a tree with just the right size knothole and covered in moss with a little imagination he begins to regularly use this mossy hole for sexual recreation. Six months pass and a beautiful blonde is washed up on the shore, the guy nurses her back to health gives her food and water etc. The blonde grateful spreads her legs and tells the man he can have her......whereupon he boots her right in the fanny......"What did you do that for?" She cries in agony "Just checking for squirrels" Says the guy __________________ Lord, we might end up dead or worse, poor

January 13th, 2016, 09:52 AM	#800
@llatse@ Vintage Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Over the hills and far away Posts: 2,150 Thanks: 7,748 Thanked 24,861 Times in 2,098 Posts	Overheard in a pub 1st guy "My GFs split up wiv me" 2nd guy "Shame......whys that?" 1st guy "I made a joke about the Pope" 2nd guy "Cooo bit much mate seeing as she's a Catholic" 1st guy "Yeah I knew she was a Catholic.....just dint know the Pope was" __________________ Lord, we might end up dead or worse, poor

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