How did that happen? Scoundrel's guide to DIY vehicle maintenance for brain-donors

[billybunter]

I will never forget the look on the customers face who had locked his keys in his GS. I was a second year apprentice using a slim jim to try and open the door. Trevor my journey man picked up a brick and threw it through the window. The owners face was priceless. "right BB fit a new drop glass" "don't worry sir all under warranty." Said Trev as he tried to calm this guy down.

[NIN]

"Every business should employ a lazy bastard like me" - NIN

Sorted it! , a good nights kip coupled with a bit of ingenuity & it's possible to get out of this problem the easy way, what you need is :

1. A short length of tubing , the sort of stuff used for aquarium aerators
2. Coffee jar in which to decant & see how much liquid is being removed
3. A household spray, with a squirt option rather than spray
(I always keep these when left over from old cleaning fluids to use on plants )


an out of focus dipstick showing over

Measured the length of tube against the dipstick & mark the required depth with a marker pen. Slip the tubing down the dipstick hole into the sump & 20 mins later (with thanks to my powerful right hand - I dunno where that skill came from ) I'd managed to slowly pump the excess out without the need for any sump nut tw*ttery
I asked my Dad what to do about the 'Check Engine' light & he recommended take it up the motorway at high revs for a few miles to get the exhaust good & hot to burn off any greasy crud on the lambda sensor - sure enuff, it all seems good now

[haymarket]

Being in the motor trade for about 25 years I’ve lost count of some of the fantastic screw-ups I’ve seen (and made) – in fact, if everything I did went absolutely perfect, I’d be worried what I’d done wrong..


On most older vehicles the dipstick only goes as far as the engine block, allowing the dipstick to float around in the sump to measure the oil level.

On more modern engines, the dipstick tube housing continues down for a equal length as the stick, meaning the dipstick is effectively encased in the tube. When the engine is hot and running, the oil level drops below what can be read on the dipstick, leaving it dry.
With a good seal on the dipstick tube, the oil cannot return up the tube as the hot air in the engine has filled up the tube. Much like a divers bell, oil will not run back up the tube until the dipstick is removed allowing the air to escape and oil back in.


You should always remove the dipstick and then dip again before topping up engine oil. And ideally check the oil level when the engine is stone cold, and ideally with the vehicle on a level surface as possible.




(Sorry for the potential of “double entendre” for using the words “Dip”, “Dipstick”, “Bell”, and “Tube” in this post)

[billybunter]

I will never forget one dickhead manager who checked his oil while the engine was running "seems ok" he said. Yeah the oil is pumping round the engine you moron.

[scoundrel]

Originally Posted by luddite

I was a mechanic back in the 80's, and I had the misfortune to "have to" change the oil on a Renault 5. I removed the plug, the old oil stank! I removed the filter, it smelled OK. New filter, 5 litres of oil, I check the oil and it is way over the line! Then I notice that the idiots at Renault put the transmission in front of the motor! I had to refill the tranny and change the oil again. I'm glad I didn't start it - if the piston had come down and hit the oil I would have had to change the motor on my time and expense. At the time, most neighbourhood garages refused to work on R5's - another time I had to change the clutch on the same car, I looked at the book and the first thing you had to do was remove the spare tire!

Modern Triumph motorcycles are similar in that either no thought went into maintenance when they were designed, or else they were deliberately designed to discourage home maintenance and force owners to pay exorbitant dealer labour rates for doing what should be routine owner maintenance tasks. They fit them with really stupid star bolts instead of posidrive or allen bolts so you have to have loads of expensive tools to unfasten anything. Then (this is actually true) they design the layout so that you must completely remove the carburettors to reach the air filter so you can clean it. Getting the carbs back on afterwards is no joke, even for an experienced mechanic, due to the very awkward shape of the airbox and the need to get the air intakes tightly sealed again. Direct fuel injection was a good thing for Triumph customers because it put a stop to this particular scam.

[NIN]

It seems most vehicles are being built with only the manufacturing process in mind, that's another reason why you'll find so many star bolts being used - they stay on the air guns easier & give a better mechanical purchase , therefore making assembly quicker.

One of the worst incidences I've heard about are with BMWs which, due to the timing chain being located at the back of the engine, you'd have to remove the engine to make the repair

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006mg74/features/bmw-chains-snap-n47-engine-2007-2009

[scoundrel]

Owing to the exigencies of time and the fact that I've misplaced my allen keys again, I was forced to book my bike in for some dealer work I used to do for myself, replacing the clutch cable. I should have taken the tube for a week and asked my more mechanically minded friend to help me out on the Saturday.

Firsty, it was so badly routed I was staggered. The cable is correct and yet so tight that they loosened it to maximum on the lower adjuster (where no doubt they thought I wouldn't see), fitted it slacker than I like it and still, when I turn the handlebars to maxium righthand lock, the clutch lever springs forward with a loud click. Believe me, turning the handlebars is not supposed to operate the clutch lever. All because the person who fitted it chose wrong every single time he had two choices of which way the cable went. He knew he'd ballsed up, or else he wouldn't have slackened off the cable. But these people work on chargeable time and he fills in a timesheet, so rather than admit to dead time, he let the bike out in a really unfit state.

I have not yet revisited the shop to discuss this. But I shall.

Meanwhile, after this service visit, the bike took to cutting out and refusing to tick over; I was obliged to keep the throttle open at traffic lights, spoiling my enjoyment of the ride somewhat.

All my previous bikes had tickover adjustment on the side of the carbs with a big twisty knob, easily done. I couldn't find the adjustment on this "new" bike for love or money. So I was obliged to confess my ignorace to my mechanically aware chum yet again.

Chum: Did you let it run out of petrol?
Scoundrel: ....Yes
Chum:
Chum: Done a few miles today?
Scoundrel: About ten.
Chum: That's alright, she's well warmed up.
Chum revs Scoundrel's engine for about ten seconds at 12,000 rpm: the redline is 10,000 rpm.
Scoundrel:

Chum: Let's try it now.
Engine ticks over sweetly.
Chum: It's an old bike, mate. There's no end of crap in the bottom of that tank, especially with the shit petrol we get nowadays. Let's put some Redex in. Is she full?
Scoundrel: About four gallons in I'd say.
Chum: A capful will do it.
Chum adds a capful of Redex to the tank.
Chum: Just remember to put petrol in and she'll keep running...

[otokonomidori]

Originally Posted by scoundrel

They fit them with really stupid star bolts instead of posidrive or allen bolts

"star bolts" = Torx ? They're a pain in the arse! I've got a set of Torx bits but if the bolt is seized the head just gets chewed up. I had to drill out the Torx bolts which retained the front discs on my old Renault.

[luddite]

Originally Posted by scoundrel

But these people work on chargeable time and he fills in a timesheet, so rather than admit to dead time, he let the bike out in a really unfit state.

The way the dealer's mechanics work here, they get paid by the job. If the book says 8 hours for a clutch job, the mech gets 8 hours even if he can do the job in 4. If a mech isn't charging at least 70 hours a week, he will probably be replaced. Some places even give the mechanic a commission on the parts he sells, and it wouldn't surprise me if they have a quota on that also.

[winebeavis]

Back in 1999 I bought a fancy-schmancy (for the time, outdated now) German made car. Popped the hood once and realized I didn't recognize anything. But all scheduled maintenance was included for the first 50,000 miles so I didn't have to mess with it.

That ruined me. I have a sensor that tells me when it's time to do something, like take it in for scheduled maintenance, check the brakes, etc. When my neighbor needed a jump I had to get the owner's manual out to find where the battery in the car is located. At this point, I've become spoiled, I'd just as soon turn it over to those who know how to work on it. 300,000 miles later it appears to have been a good strategy.

I wished I knew how to do this modern mechanical stuff, but now these cars are more complicated to a simpleton like myself. When younger I had a small Honda 250cc motorcycle that I could take apart and put back together easily. Not anymore.