Post your corny jokes

[tun]

That reminds me that a mnemonic of the UK spelling of diarrhoea is Dash In A Rush, Really Hurry Or Else Accident.

[rustler]

A little old lady goes into a greengrocers and asks for cucumber.
"Certainly madam, would you like it sliced?"
She replies, "what do you think my arse is, a money box!"

[rustler]

What do Kodak and Durex have in common?

They both capture the moment!

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What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?

You come in one and go in the other!

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What do coffins and condoms have in common?

They both hold stiffs!

[rustler]

Q. What is the maximum penalty for bigamy?

A. Two Mothers in Law!!

[rustler]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

[rustler]

A little boy goes up to his dad and says: 'Dad, what is the difference between theory and reality?'
The dad thinks a moment and then replies.'Well son, go and ask your mum if she will sleep with the postman for a million pounds'
The little boys goes off and comes back five minutes later and says:'Yes, mum says she will sleep with the postman for a million pounds.'
'Right', says the dad, 'now go and ask your sister if she will sleep with the postman for a million pounds.'
The little boy goes off and comes back a few minutes later: 'Yes she says that she will sleep with the postman for a million pounds.'
'Well there you have it son, thats the difference between theory and reality. In theory we are millionaires, but in reality we are living with a couple of slappers!'

[rustler]

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra by mistake instead of Asprin? He fell asleep and woke up with a stiff neck!

[kelio]

A guy is praying and asks God:
- What's eternity to you?
God: eternity is a second to me
- And what's a billion to you?
God: a billion is a cent
- Would lend me a cent? asks the guy
God: in a second

[Tmee2020]

First Tuesday in November is Melbourne Cup Day, Australia's premier race for Thoroughbreds. Every Melbourne Cup Day two Murray River towns stage a cricket match.
Tuesday morning the captain of Moama arrives at the game to find that one of his opening batsmen has tied one on the night before and can hardly stand up, let alone play. So unless he can find another player, and quickly, he's going to be one short. In desperation he goes over to ask the groundsman if he can play.
The groundsman says "No I don't play cricket but I've got a horse who does." The stunned expression of the captain conveyed to him that further explanation was necessary.
"He holds the bat in his mouth, and he'll need your blokes to strap four pads on his legs for him. And he can talk. I'll go and ask him. I'm sure he would be happy to help out. He'll only open though, if you don't let him open he won't play."
This didn't seem like much of a solution to the problem but rather than play with 10 men the captain reluctantly agreed. Moama won the toss and batted and 10 minutes later the horse is padded up and walking out to bat with the other opener.
This opener fancied himself as a batsman and is pretty disgusted about the whole horse-playing thing. He says to the horse, "I'll face, OK?" The horse says "No, I'll face." The horse had cleverly maneuvered himself to be closest to the right end so the other opener didn't get the chance to face. Besides, the horse was bigger than him.
The Echuca bowler goes for a yorker first ball to knock over the horse's stumps but doesn't get it quite right. The horse goes forward and drives back past his startled partner for 4. The opening bowler is not happy about this, goes for a bouncer but is a little wide. The horse steps back, flicks his head and the ball flies away over Backward Point. Another 4.
Next ball, another bouncer, this time right at the horse's head. The horse steps inside and blasts it over Square Leg for 6.
The over goes 4,4,6,6,4,4. Moama are 0/28, Horse 28.
The other opener is unimpressed. Call yourself an opener? He thinks to himself. He's on strike now, lets the first ball go, pats the second one back to the bowler. The third he goes back and pushes it into the gap between Gully and Point calls Yes and sets off for an easy single, watching the flight of the ball.
He turns around three-quarters of the way down the pitch and finds the horse still in his crease, sitting on his bat.
The opener makes a mad dash back for his own crease, dives full-length and just beats the return. He's furious now, he dusts himself off, goes down the pitch again and yells at the horse.
"Listen Mate, I don't care how good a bat you think you are, when I say run you run, OK?"
And the horse says
"Run? If I could run I'd be down in Melbourne for The Cup, I wouldn't be up here playing cricket with a mug like you."

[rockernut]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"