Post your corny jokes

[Clarisworkz]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why. Got some nooky though.

[VintageKell]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before," asked the bartender.

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, said the bartender, "OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"Well,, the bartender said, pointing at the pirates face, "what about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "surely you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"

"Well.... "It was my first day with the hook"

[dbailey]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


1. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

3. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

4. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

10. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

14. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[bp666]

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to her grans for lunch. Before she goes her mum says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you'd better be careful because if the big bad wolf see's you, he's going to hike up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off".

Red says, "Don't worry mum - I have a machete" and goes on her way.

She bumps into the woodsman who asks, "Where are you going Little Red Riding Hood?"

"To my grandmothers" she tells him.

The woodsman says "You better be careful Little Red Riding Hood, because if the big bad wolf see's you, he's going to hike up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off".

"Don't worry" she says "I have a machete" and goes on her way.

Sure enough, she arrives at her grans and sees the big bad wolf.

"Come here, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to hike up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off".

She pulls out the machete and says "Oh no you are not. You are going to get down on your knees and eat me, like the story says"

[bp666]

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

Feminists--first they burn their bra and then they want support!

What do you call a woman with half a brain? Gifted.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman!

Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat Robertson

Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

Husband--One who has several small mouths to feed and one big mouth to listen to.

Wife--A slave who demands to be set on a throne. --Balzak 1799-1850

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

In any argument with her he always gives in. What's the use? It's just his word against thousands of hers!

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

He: I'd like to marry your daughter. Father: Have you seen my wife yet?
He: Yes, I have. But I prefer your daughter.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Did you hear about the new all-woman delivery company. It's called UPMS. They deliver your package when they darn well feel like it!

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said. "Yes", she responded "So what". "I would have gotten out of prison today", he sobbed.

How can you tell if a woman is happy? Who cares?

How are women like paper cups? Both are disposable.

Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

My wife ran off with my best friend..I sure do miss him!

What do you call an intelligent woman in America? A tourist.

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

Adam to Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was such a fool when I married you." Retorts her husband: "That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes, and an apple pie for dessert?"
Husband: "No thanks, I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How is marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Which is this?"

A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a $10 note lying on the ground. Who picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!

What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat? A divorcee!!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody!

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told!

On everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men.

Feminists are o.k., I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one!

Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's awake.

Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a light bulb? Because it does, alright!?!?

"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaved, smart, and rich," the bachelor said. "Oh, well, then you'll have to get married 4 times", replied his friend.

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Why is spousal abuse so high in America? (Start punching your fist into your other hand) Because they just don't listen!!!

A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The next day he received 100 responses. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Why did God create women? Because a beer can't cook supper!

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

What's a mans idea of helping with house work? Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.

How do you keep a woman from wanting sex? Marry her.

[deek69]

A man phones work and says 'I cant come in today I'm sick'. His boss, says ' well... how sick are you'. 'Well I'm in bed with my sister' he replies.

[photoflex]

How many women does it take to wallpaper a room?
Depends on how thin you peel them.

[dbailey]

Carrying on the mysogeny theme....

What have a woman, a refridgerator, and a central heating system have in common?

A: They all drip when they are f*cked

Q: what do you tell a woman with two black eyes

A: nothing, she has been told twice already

Two blonds walk into a bar........you would think that one of them would have noticed......

What is the difference between a computer and your wife.....you only have to punch the information into your computer once.

[Mal Hombre]

Life is like a shit sandwich,the more bread You have,the less shit You have to eat....

[photoflex]

I heard a woman talking on the bus, her husband had died after accidenlly
drinking a bottle of laquer. "A horrible death, but he had a lovely sheen."