Post your corny jokes

[USBPepsi]

A cross-eyed old man walks into a snack store and approaches the proprietor, a scrawny little guy with a big long nose. The old man asks what kind of nuts are available. The shopkeeper turns to the wall, pulls down a bag of nuts, and puts it on the counter.

"We have walnuts on sale this week for thirty dollars a pound."

"Thirty dollars! That's ridiculous!" The old man squints down at the bag of nuts, pushes it aside, and asks what else is available. The shopkeeper pulls down another bag and puts it on the counter.

"How about some nice cashews? They're only forty dollars a pound..."

"FORTY dollars? That's proposterous!" The old man shoves the bag of cashews aside. "What have you got that's CHEAP?"

"Well..." The shopkeeper rubs his nose for a second, thinking. He then pulls down a third bag of nuts. "Peanuts, I suppose. They're only fifteen dollars a pound."

"Fifteen?" The old man sighs. "That's still too high, but I suppose it will have to do." The shopkeeper rings up the nuts, puts them in a paper bag, and hands them to the old man.

"Ridiculous, the prices these days." The old man hands the shopkeeper the money. "Still... I want to thank you for not staring at my crossed eyes. Usually people can't look away. Children tease me..."

"Oh, I understand." The shopkeeper points at his own nose. "You wouldn't believe the amount of ridicule I get over my big long nose."

"Nose?" The old man leans forward and squints at the shopkeeper's face. "Ah, nose. I thought that was your dick, your nuts are so high."

[victor meldrew]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so
he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

[theequestrian]

Sir Dwayne was to be rewarded by the King for the great services rendered the crown.

"What is your wish?" asked the King
"Land" cried Sir Dwayne
The King picked up a spear, heaved it at Sir Dwaynes' balls and said
"How's that for a couple of acres?"

[tygrkhat40]

If horse racing is the sport of kings, what's the sport of queens? Drag racing.

[electile disfunction]

Originally Posted by tygrkhat40

If horse racing is the sport of kings, what's the sport of queens? Drag racing.

(In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king ... and the one with a feather boa and high heals is queen. )
(e.d.)

[Mal Hombre]

What's worse than Spanish fly in a French letter?
English mustard in a Dutch cap!

[tygrkhat40]

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the English are the police, the Germans are the mechanics, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the administrators.

In Hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the police, the French are the administrators, the Italians are the mechanics and the Swiss are the lovers.

[USBPepsi]

Here's one I just heard today:

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

[Tmee2020]

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."

[tygrkhat40]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'