Twisted sick jokes that`ll send us ALL to hell. - Page 70

**SanteeFats** · October 17th, 2015, 05:33 PM

Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl? A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal. As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help. "Oh yes please!?" the man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir," says the man with no arms. But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things. The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so. "Thank you very much, sir!" says the armless man. "No problem," says Bob "but what the hell is wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

**DonnyJoe** · October 17th, 2015, 11:57 PM

How do you prevent a woman from choking?

Just back up a few inches.

**SanteeFats** · October 18th, 2015, 05:10 PM

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food. The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sex with her. The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods. The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded. So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys. "Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you screwed that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"

**sweatyhat** · October 18th, 2015, 05:26 PM

I remember when I was 7 years old and being surprised to see that medicine came in bottles too.
Up until then I thought it only came direct from Uncle Brian's knob.

Credit to OPs

**Doodlebugged** · October 19th, 2015, 01:25 AM

**Doodlebugged** · October 19th, 2015, 10:27 PM

**SanteeFats** · October 20th, 2015, 12:13 AM

A vacuum salesman goes door-to-door in a new neighborhood. When a woman answers the door at the first house, the salesman walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. He says, "Ma'am, just to show you how confident I am in the quality of my vacuums, I'll eat whatever the vacuum doesn't pick up." The woman smiles and asks, "Could I get you some ketchup with that?" The salesman scoffs confidently and says, "I assure you my vacuums have more power than any other on the market today!" The woman replies, "Well, that may be so, but we just moved in and the electricity isn't turned on yet."

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A: "How are we supposed to find an egg in all this sh*t?"

emexem · October 20th, 2015, 09:19 AM

Bestiality is really rampant up here in Scotland.

Christ, we've even celebrated it in song by reworking that old Rolling Stones Classic "Hey, you, get offa ma cloud"

Our version goes "Hey, Macleod, get offa ma Ewe"

**SanteeFats** · October 20th, 2015, 02:44 PM

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."

**sweatyhat** · October 20th, 2015, 09:28 PM

I used to think I had a lot of bulimic friends.
Turns out I have halitosis.

A man is being hunted by police on suspicion of bestiality.
He was last seen getting into a Jaguar.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and VEF?
Diana only crashed once.

Credit to OPs

October 17th, 2015, 11:57 PM	#692
DonnyJoe Vintage Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Northern Plains U.S.A. Posts: 223 Thanks: 6,811 Thanked 13,106 Times in 416 Posts	How do you prevent a woman from choking? Just back up a few inches. __________________ Where Ever You Go...There You Are!

October 18th, 2015, 05:26 PM	#694
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,960 Times in 10,563 Posts	I remember when I was 7 years old and being surprised to see that medicine came in bottles too. Up until then I thought it only came direct from Uncle Brian's knob. Credit to OPs __________________

October 19th, 2015, 01:25 AM	#695
Doodlebugged Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London Posts: 838 Thanks: 13,246 Thanked 13,992 Times in 788 Posts	__________________ Keeping the British end up. One stroke at a time. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

October 19th, 2015, 10:27 PM	#696
Doodlebugged Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London Posts: 838 Thanks: 13,246 Thanked 13,992 Times in 788 Posts	__________________ Keeping the British end up. One stroke at a time. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

October 20th, 2015, 09:28 PM	#700
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,960 Times in 10,563 Posts	I used to think I had a lot of bulimic friends. Turns out I have halitosis. A man is being hunted by police on suspicion of bestiality. He was last seen getting into a Jaguar. What's the difference between Princess Diana and VEF? Diana only crashed once. Credit to OPs __________________

October 17th, 2015, 05:33 PM	#691
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,930 Thanks: 282,124 Thanked 815,487 Times in 60,972 Posts	Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl? A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods. Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal. As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help. "Oh yes please!?" the man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir," says the man with no arms. But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things. The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so. "Thank you very much, sir!" says the armless man. "No problem," says Bob "but what the hell is wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

October 18th, 2015, 05:10 PM	#693
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,930 Thanks: 282,124 Thanked 815,487 Times in 60,972 Posts	Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food. The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sex with her. The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods. The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded. So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys. "Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you screwed that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"

October 20th, 2015, 12:13 AM	#697
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,930 Thanks: 282,124 Thanked 815,487 Times in 60,972 Posts	A vacuum salesman goes door-to-door in a new neighborhood. When a woman answers the door at the first house, the salesman walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. He says, "Ma'am, just to show you how confident I am in the quality of my vacuums, I'll eat whatever the vacuum doesn't pick up." The woman smiles and asks, "Could I get you some ketchup with that?" The salesman scoffs confidently and says, "I assure you my vacuums have more power than any other on the market today!" The woman replies, "Well, that may be so, but we just moved in and the electricity isn't turned on yet." Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? A: "How are we supposed to find an egg in all this sh*t?"

October 20th, 2015, 09:19 AM	#698
emexem Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Youthenasia Posts: 296 Thanks: 13,665 Thanked 7,272 Times in 289 Posts	Bestiality is really rampant up here in Scotland. Christ, we've even celebrated it in song by reworking that old Rolling Stones Classic "Hey, you, get offa ma cloud" Our version goes "Hey, Macleod, get offa ma Ewe"

October 20th, 2015, 02:44 PM	#699
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,930 Thanks: 282,124 Thanked 815,487 Times in 60,972 Posts	A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce." One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."