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Old 12-13-2008, 05:04 PM   #21
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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:05 PM   #22
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A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."


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A gorgeous woman gets into a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please." After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You're third pregnant woman I've driven to the airport today." She woman, indignant, says, "You must be kidding. I'm not pregnant." The taxi driver says, "Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet, either."
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:05 PM   #23
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A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:05 PM   #24
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Two old drunks were chatting in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:06 PM   #25
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A blind man walks into a china store with his seeing-eye dog. He grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging him around knocking things over and breaking them. In just a few seconds, the cost of the damage he has done is already astronomical. The manager of the store, completely aghast, runs over to him and says: "SIR! Can I help you???" The blind man says casually: "Naaahhh. Just looking."
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:06 PM   #26
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In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."

"Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?""

"Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:07 PM   #27
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Mr Smith was having problems with his Unit, His wife made an appointment to see the doctor. After some test's the doctor came into the examination room with the medical report.

"Well Mr. Smith" said the Doctor, "I have some bad news"
"What is it" Asked Mr. Smith.
The doctor looked at the report and said.
"Well I'm afraid your penis has only 12 erections left in it, After that your penis will be useless"

Leaving the doctors office Mr. Smith walked slowly home thinking what to do.
Upon opening the door to his house his wife was there waiting for him.
"What did the doctor say she asked"
" He said that my penis only has 12 erections left and after that it will be useless" Mr. Smith said with a frown.
"Well we will have to make a list of things to do for sex before it becomes useless" Mrs. Smith said.
" I did make a list on the walk home and your not on it"
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:07 PM   #28
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A mentally retarded guy goes to a store. He walks in and says, "I wanna fob.". The store clerk answers, "What do you want?" "Fob!" the retard replies. "Oh! a JOB!" says the clerk. "All you gotta do is buy me a gallon of gas, a bucket, and a cocker spaniel, then the job is yours." ofay," replies the retard.

The retard goes to the gas station. A young man is at the counter. The retard says "i want some ass" The man at the counter is bewildered. "What do you want?" "I want some ass." is the reply. The young man, putting two and two together, realizes he wants some gas. so he gives him the gas and the retard leaves.

The retard next goes to the Quik-E-Mart. An old woman is at the counter. "I wanna fuck it." says the retard. "Oh my Lord! Why would you want that?" says the old woman. The retard points to a bucket and says"Fuck it." "Oh!" says the old woman. The retard leaves.

Next he goes to the Pet Shop. A young woman is at the counter. "I wanna cock and spank it." says the retard. The young woman understands what he wants and, without saying a word, goes and gets him a cocker spaniel.

Well as it turns out, while the young man was walking to the place he wanted to work, the cocker spaniel runs away. He goes up to a man and says, "Hold my ass and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it."
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:08 PM   #29
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There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you."
He knew what it was. "Oh my!!" he shuddered, "It`s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he said, "You won`t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can`t you see I`m finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you`ve been tellin` the truth! Let`s see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That`s all. Let`s go get those nuts by the fence, and we`ll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:08 PM   #30
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Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
********************************************
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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