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Old 05-13-2018, 04:24 AM   #13721
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I went to the zoo, saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the keeper what it was. He said it was bread in captivity.
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Old 05-13-2018, 10:07 AM   #13722
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Was set upon by three muggers last night , still managed to knock one out.

Not the best time for a wank I know, but it could have been my last !.


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Old 05-14-2018, 04:32 PM   #13723
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What did the the drummer call his twin daughters ? ,

Anna one, Anna two .

Bought some shoes from a drug dealer earlier
,

Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

What do you call a bear after you've kicked his teeth out ?
,

Gummy .


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Old 05-14-2018, 10:38 PM   #13724
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One pleasant Sunday afternoon a man was out in his driveway washing his car with his son.

After a short time the son says "Dad?"

The father replies "Yes, son?"

"Couldn't you use a sponge instead?"
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Old 05-14-2018, 10:55 PM   #13725
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I once had a girlfriend called Encyclopaedia. She had an answer for everything.
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Old 05-15-2018, 10:55 PM   #13726
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 05-16-2018, 01:00 PM   #13727
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My boss is a real ass man. He only cares about The Bottom Line.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:10 AM   #13728
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last photo on domestic victim's cell phone
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:22 AM   #13729
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I had a pet hen that I enlisted in the military. After the hen's tour of duty I asked the sargeant what she did. He replied that she was with a weapons unit of other hens that supplied weapons to the soldiers. They mixed gunpowder with their feed so they would lay hen grenades!
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 05-17-2018, 06:07 PM   #13730
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A woman was asked to give a talk on the power of prayer to her local women’s group. With her husband sitting in the audience, she recounted how they had turned to God when her husband suffered an unfortunate accident.
“Three months ago,” she began, “my husband Colin was knocked off his bicycle and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him. They warned that our lives might never be the same again. Colin was unable to get close to either me or the children and every move caused him enormous discomfort. It meant we could no longer touch him around the scrotum.
“So we prayed that the doctors would be able to repair him. Fortunately our prayers were answered and they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Colin’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. They said he should make a complete recovery and regain full use of his scrotum.”
As the audience burst into spontaneous applause, a lone man walked up to the stage. He announced: “Good afternoon. My name is Colin, and I just want to tell my wife once again that the word is ‘sternum’.”
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