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Old 05-12-2018, 12:11 PM   #13641
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St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in.

Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?
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Old 05-13-2018, 05:24 AM   #13642
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I went to the zoo, saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the keeper what it was. He said it was bread in captivity.
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Old 05-13-2018, 11:07 AM   #13643
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Was set upon by three muggers last night , still managed to knock one out.

Not the best time for a wank I know, but it could have been my last !.


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Old 05-14-2018, 05:32 PM   #13644
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What did the the drummer call his twin daughters ? ,

Anna one, Anna two .

Bought some shoes from a drug dealer earlier
,

Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

What do you call a bear after you've kicked his teeth out ?
,

Gummy .


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Old 05-14-2018, 11:38 PM   #13645
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One pleasant Sunday afternoon a man was out in his driveway washing his car with his son.

After a short time the son says "Dad?"

The father replies "Yes, son?"

"Couldn't you use a sponge instead?"
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Old 05-14-2018, 11:55 PM   #13646
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I once had a girlfriend called Encyclopaedia. She had an answer for everything.
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Old 05-15-2018, 11:55 PM   #13647
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 05-16-2018, 02:00 PM   #13648
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My boss is a real ass man. He only cares about The Bottom Line.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:10 AM   #13649
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last photo on domestic victim's cell phone
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Old 05-17-2018, 02:22 AM   #13650
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I had a pet hen that I enlisted in the military. After the hen's tour of duty I asked the sargeant what she did. He replied that she was with a weapons unit of other hens that supplied weapons to the soldiers. They mixed gunpowder with their feed so they would lay hen grenades!
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"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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