Post your corny jokes - Page 1433

**bfg9000** · March 1st, 2019, 01:28 AM

Q: What does a low self esteem vampire say?

A: I want to really suck!

**trailmaster** · March 1st, 2019, 11:40 AM

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite th wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam o' shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful-slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair...heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens his car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But"..... stammers the driver. "Du it now-or I'll bluddy kill yu!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. this goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can't do it any more-you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

MaxJoker · March 1st, 2019, 03:32 PM

What`s best about being a Kleptomaniac ? ,

There are so many things you can take for it.

**trailmaster** · March 2nd, 2019, 12:55 PM

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaaaa..."

**Sir Honkers** · March 2nd, 2019, 09:13 PM

Q:Who is the worst chicken killer in Shakespeare?
A: Macbeth...because he did murder most foul
...stop me if I've told that one before.

**gedly** · March 2nd, 2019, 11:28 PM

I've just heard that the person who stole my diary has passed away.
My thoughts are with his family.

**Sir Honkers** · March 3rd, 2019, 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gedly

I've just heard that the person who stole my diary has passed away.
My thoughts are with his family.

I had to think about that one

**jafad** · March 3rd, 2019, 06:33 AM

A mummy calls a restauraunt.
"Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep Ill".
The maitre d' says "Could you spell it out, please"?
"Of course"says the mummy,
"A Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab".

**effCup** · March 3rd, 2019, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loosegoose

I had to think about that one

Jokes that make us think are always the best

... or else they could be the worst.

**gedly** · March 3rd, 2019, 11:47 AM

I'm planning a trip to Australia.
I've been asked if I have a criminal record.
I didn't realise you still needed one to go there.

March 1st, 2019, 01:28 AM	#14321
bfg9000 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In between Shirley Manson's thighs mostly Posts: 683 Thanks: 11,930 Thanked 7,322 Times in 645 Posts	Q: What does a low self esteem vampire say? A: I want to really suck! __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ] To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. "I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson "I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson

March 1st, 2019, 03:32 PM	#14323
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,896 Times in 69,067 Posts	What`s best about being a Kleptomaniac ? , There are so many things you can take for it. __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

March 1st, 2019, 11:40 AM	#14322
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,933 Thanks: 1,329,434 Thanked 707,587 Times in 60,107 Posts	One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite th wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam o' shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful-slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair...heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens his car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But"..... stammers the driver. "Du it now-or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long. "Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. this goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can't do it any more-you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

March 2nd, 2019, 12:55 PM	#14324
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,933 Thanks: 1,329,434 Thanked 707,587 Times in 60,107 Posts	Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaaaa..."

March 2nd, 2019, 09:13 PM	#14325
Sir Honkers Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Land Of Glorious Leader Posts: 30,418 Thanks: 287,352 Thanked 386,959 Times in 30,374 Posts	Q:Who is the worst chicken killer in Shakespeare? A: Macbeth...because he did murder most foul ...stop me if I've told that one before.

March 2nd, 2019, 11:28 PM	#14326
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,236 Thanks: 19,903 Thanked 69,347 Times in 3,173 Posts	I've just heard that the person who stole my diary has passed away. My thoughts are with his family.

March 3rd, 2019, 06:33 AM	#14328
jafad Vintage Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 548 Thanks: 741 Thanked 10,291 Times in 548 Posts	A mummy calls a restauraunt. "Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep Ill". The maitre d' says "Could you spell it out, please"? "Of course"says the mummy, "A Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab".

March 3rd, 2019, 11:47 AM	#14330
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,236 Thanks: 19,903 Thanked 69,347 Times in 3,173 Posts	I'm planning a trip to Australia. I've been asked if I have a criminal record. I didn't realise you still needed one to go there.