Forum Members CV`s

MaxJoker · May 19th, 2012, 02:36 PM

Well nowadays it`s a dog eat dog world out there

But enough about my personal dietary habits

This thread is for us talented bastards to show off our massive swaying throbbing pulsating bulbous very engorged , curriculum vitae`s

So that currently in work or not , if a prospective employer wanders onto this forum with his (Or if we`re lucky her) flies undone they`ll also get a chance to see just what hire-able head hunt-able talent is about

Yet remember that as with the ruling political powers that by there`s no need for any of us to hide our blinding lights under any bushel`s .

So be as honest as you want , just like Jeffery Archer

Only don`t also then try paying off a prostitute with a brown envelope stuffed with £20`s left in Victoria street station bog .

Or if you do don`t include that on your CV , as most employers won`t tend to think it displays initiative

Hey learn by his , and my mistakes

Anyway in case there`s any misunderstanding i`ll give you a wafer thin slice of my own CV

MaxJoker OBE MOD FUK SOD

English GSE = B+
Sex Education Advanced Course = F-
Math`s O Level = AWOL
Home Economics Degree = Specialty Pizza Toppings

Works well in a team , if he`s the only one in it.
An asset to have around , provided you want somebody who`s prone to steal company supplies whenever the chance arises.
Able to self motivate , if a decent looking big boobed temp appears in the office.

Ok so hopefully you get what this thread is all about now

Look i know what you`re all thinking !

But no that`s not just the way my trousers hang , i am in fact packing thirty inches , when flaccid

Hmmmmm maybe i better add that to my CV

**squigg58** · May 19th, 2012, 03:15 PM

Name: Squigg
Qualification: SoB (1st Class, Honours)

Self-motivated. (I'll do it when I when I bleedin' well feel like it.)
Good at managing difficult people. (Punching them works for me.)
A good motivator. (Threatening to punch them works for me.)
A strong sense of community spirit. (Having been awarded a "community service order" by my local council.)
Excellent time-management. (I know what time it is, I just haven't managed to start work yet!)
A good listener. (Just don't expect me to care!)
A team player. (Always nice to have someone else to blame!)

**palo5** · May 19th, 2012, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaxJoker

...
Works well in a team , if he`s the only one in it.
An asset to have around , provided you want somebody who`s prone to steal company supplies whenever the chance arises...

CVs are for burocrats. We need ruthless, dedicated people. Your next interviewer is here. Tell him the truth, Comrade

Here he is:

Your position is assured, if you convince him

**keefriff** · May 19th, 2012, 03:58 PM

Keefriff (LSD, PCP, MIA)

Education:
School of Hard Knocks 1972-1986

University of St. Mattress 1986-1996: Completed a 4 Year Degree (in 10 years).
A. Graduated with an Advanced Degree in the Field of Poppies.
B. Voted by classmates as "Most Likely Not to Attend Class".

Final Grades:
1. Chemistry: A+
2. Horticulture: A+
3. Speech Therapy: F-
4. Music Theory: F-

Work History 1996-2012
1. Stuff.....at lots of places. Too many to remember.

Strengths: Expert in quality control, warehousing, transportation, distribution, security and cardio-pulminary resuscitation.

Requirements: Generous salary, generous secretary, flexible work hours, late starting times and no drug tests.

Still haven't figured out why no one will hire me.

**scoundrel** · May 19th, 2012, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keefriff

Work History 1996-2012
1. Stuff.....at lots of places. Too many to remember.

Strengths: Expert in quality control, warehousing, transportation, distribution, security and cardio-pulminary resuscitation.

Requirements: Generous salary, generous secretary, flexible work hours, late starting times and no drug tests.

Still haven't figured out why no one will hire me.

I think the problem is that your most recent employer is giving you a bad reference, Keef.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSiJbhoA8zw

**Eric Cartman** · May 20th, 2012, 05:56 AM

NAME: ericcartmannn

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

A little something from Urban Legends. This was supposedly submitted to McDonalds but it turns out that was an urban legend.

**Warren G** · May 20th, 2012, 06:33 AM

Well, I have been looking for work...but it's been going kinda' like it has for Early Cuyler...

http://youtu.be/Fg_ucfKpvwU

Thankfully, my credentials all checked out with Dan Halen Sheetrock International...

http://youtu.be/7P_lzinzq4g

**TCO95** · May 22nd, 2012, 12:43 AM

What's a CV college boy?

Last Employer : Barone Waste Management
Highest Position Attained : Collections Manager
Your Duties : Collect money from people. Duh!
Salary : You sure ask a lot of questions college boy. You with the government?
Reason For Leaving : Help you run your business.
When Can You Start : I already started.
Special Skills : Stuff seems to fall off trucks and land in my garage.

Estreeter · May 22nd, 2012, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TCO95

Last Employer : Barone Waste Management

Let's see,

Being sent to principals office for treatment, IE, Belt, AAA +
Physical Education A-, but usually involved running from teachers
Science Kicked out of class, lighting a roll of Magnesium
Religious Education A, a lot because of the first part of post
Sex Education , NA, IE Not Assessed. Mainly because I knew I wasn't getting any so I had no interest

I also held the record for a few months for most disciplenary action handed out to a student in a single week

. But I was eventually overtaken and never held it again

**NIN** · December 7th, 2013, 07:36 PM

er,

ummm, let me think.....

nope- i got nothing sorry

Unless there's now a qualification on being a mediocre wank-happy slacker

May 19th, 2012, 02:36 PM	#1
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,560 Times in 69,067 Posts	Forum Members CV`s Well nowadays it`s a dog eat dog world out there But enough about my personal dietary habits This thread is for us talented bastards to show off our massive swaying throbbing pulsating bulbous very engorged , curriculum vitae`s So that currently in work or not , if a prospective employer wanders onto this forum with his (Or if we`re lucky her) flies undone they`ll also get a chance to see just what hire-able head hunt-able talent is about Yet remember that as with the ruling political powers that by there`s no need for any of us to hide our blinding lights under any bushel`s . So be as honest as you want , just like Jeffery Archer Only don`t also then try paying off a prostitute with a brown envelope stuffed with £20`s left in Victoria street station bog . Or if you do don`t include that on your CV , as most employers won`t tend to think it displays initiative Hey learn by his , and my mistakes Anyway in case there`s any misunderstanding i`ll give you a wafer thin slice of my own CV MaxJoker OBE MOD FUK SOD English GSE = B+ Sex Education Advanced Course = F- Math`s O Level = AWOL Home Economics Degree = Specialty Pizza Toppings Works well in a team , if he`s the only one in it. An asset to have around , provided you want somebody who`s prone to steal company supplies whenever the chance arises. Able to self motivate , if a decent looking big boobed temp appears in the office. Ok so hopefully you get what this thread is all about now Look i know what you`re all thinking ! But no that`s not just the way my trousers hang , i am in fact packing thirty inches , when flaccid Hmmmmm maybe i better add that to my CV __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

May 19th, 2012, 03:58 PM	#4
keefriff Torn and Frayed Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: The 612 Posts: 7,025 Thanks: 79,624 Thanked 131,635 Times in 5,993 Posts	To Whom It May Concern: Keefriff (LSD, PCP, MIA) Education: School of Hard Knocks 1972-1986 University of St. Mattress 1986-1996: Completed a 4 Year Degree (in 10 years). A. Graduated with an Advanced Degree in the Field of Poppies. B. Voted by classmates as "Most Likely Not to Attend Class". Final Grades: 1. Chemistry: A+ 2. Horticulture: A+ 3. Speech Therapy: F- 4. Music Theory: F- Work History 1996-2012 1. Stuff.....at lots of places. Too many to remember. Strengths: Expert in quality control, warehousing, transportation, distribution, security and cardio-pulminary resuscitation. Requirements: Generous salary, generous secretary, flexible work hours, late starting times and no drug tests. Still haven't figured out why no one will hire me. __________________ You Can't Always Get What You Want But If You Follow To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. You Just Might Find You Get What You Need To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

December 7th, 2013, 07:36 PM	#10
NIN Banned Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 8,823 Thanks: 200,569 Thanked 131,967 Times in 9,045 Posts	Happy Thread revival night everybody er, ummm, let me think..... nope- i got nothing sorry Unless there's now a qualification on being a mediocre wank-happy slacker

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May 19th, 2012, 03:15 PM	#2
squigg58 Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: My own little world Posts: 2,476 Thanks: 14,113 Thanked 25,970 Times in 2,473 Posts	Name: Squigg Qualification: SoB (1st Class, Honours) Self-motivated. (I'll do it when I when I bleedin' well feel like it.) Good at managing difficult people. (Punching them works for me.) A good motivator. (Threatening to punch them works for me.) A strong sense of community spirit. (Having been awarded a "community service order" by my local council.) Excellent time-management. (I know what time it is, I just haven't managed to start work yet!) A good listener. (Just don't expect me to care!) A team player. (Always nice to have someone else to blame!)

May 20th, 2012, 05:56 AM	#6
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,147 Times in 14,497 Posts	NAME: ericcartmannn DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising. A little something from Urban Legends. This was supposedly submitted to McDonalds but it turns out that was an urban legend.

May 20th, 2012, 06:33 AM	#7
Warren G Vintage Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 1,473 Thanks: 5,632 Thanked 32,250 Times in 1,479 Posts	Well, I have been looking for work...but it's been going kinda' like it has for Early Cuyler... http://youtu.be/Fg_ucfKpvwU Thankfully, my credentials all checked out with Dan Halen Sheetrock International... http://youtu.be/7P_lzinzq4g

May 22nd, 2012, 12:43 AM	#8
TCO95 Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: This member is not allowed in your country. Posts: 5,176 Thanks: 47,615 Thanked 64,803 Times in 5,130 Posts	What's a CV college boy? Last Employer : Barone Waste Management Highest Position Attained : Collections Manager Your Duties : Collect money from people. Duh! Salary : You sure ask a lot of questions college boy. You with the government? Reason For Leaving : Help you run your business. When Can You Start : I already started. Special Skills : Stuff seems to fall off trucks and land in my garage.