Post your corny jokes

[alexg7727]

A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday.
First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon
catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and
as he gets closer to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner.
He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round
together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also
to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little match on the
last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly
enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and
competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course
for a long time.
"In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how
much I appreciated everything."
He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a b-j.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day,
enjoying each other's company and playing a tight round of golf.
Again she pips him at the last and again he drives her home and once
again she shows him her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This
is a sore point for his male ego but nevertheless in the car home on
Friday
he tells her that he has such a fine week that he has a surprise
planned.
Dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this.
He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the
truth..."You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
ascreeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry" she repeats.
"You b*stard," he screams (rather red in the face), "You cheating
f*cking b*stard, you've been playing off the ladies tees all f*cking
week!!

[alexg7727]

> A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
> counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job." The man behind the counter
> replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very
> wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
> You'll
> have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.
>
> Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you
> will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.
> The
> salary package is £200,000 a year."
>
> The scouser said "Nah, you're bullshitting me!"
>
> The man behind the counter said "Well you fuckin' started it!"

[alexg7727]

> A husband and wife are celebrating their 40th anniversary. That night the
> wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee
> she wore on their wedding night.
> She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"
> He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
> negligee
> the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you
> remember
> what you said to me that night?"
> He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
> "Well, what was it?" she asks.
> He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
> going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.">
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you
> said.
> So, now it's 40 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that
> night . . . What do you have to say tonight?"
> Again he looks at her and looks her up and down and replies, "I'd say
> 'Mission Accomplished.

[alexg7727]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy. As they walk through the ape and gorilla
section, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended). He jumps up
on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts
and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at
the pretty lady in the dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He
suggests that his wife teases the poor ape some more. The
husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play
along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let her straps fall to show a
little more skin and cleavage. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about
to tear the bars off his cage.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at
him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's
doing
flips. The husband then grabs his wife by the hair, rips open
the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the
cage door shut.
Now, tell HIM you've got a fucking headache."

[alexg7727]

***ONE FOR THE LADIES ON VEF****

How to turn a man down......

HE: can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money

HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

MAN: Where have you been all my life?
WOMAN: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: 'Do not enter'.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[alexg7727]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about fifty metres behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a lead.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied: "Well, that first hearse is my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered: "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue"

[alexg7727]

****IF MEN WROTE PROBLEM PAGES****

> >>> >Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
> >>> >
> >>> >A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that
> >>> >there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing
> >>> >your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you
> >>> >closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates
> >>> >involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let
> >>> >him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then
> >>> >just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you
> >>> >think about it.
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
> >>> >
> >>> >A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to
> >>> >your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to
> >>> >perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves
> >>> >you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a
> >>> >day: then cook him a nice meal.
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
> >>> >
> >>> >A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged.
> >>> > The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other
> >>> >men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief
> >>> >and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing
> >>> >can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a
> >>> >day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at
> >>> >how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home.
> >>> >The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best
> >>> >friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
> >>> >
> >>> >A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
> >>> >mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.
> >>> > You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present
> >>> >it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt,
> >>> >perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
> >>> >
> >>> >A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek
> >>> >sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time
> >>> >consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with
> >>> >no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not
> >>> >love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to
> >>> >get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make
> >>> >it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice
> >>> >meal.
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to
> >>> >sleep without giving me one.
> >>> >
> >>> >A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten
> >>> >to cook him a nice meal
> >>
> >>

[alexg7727]

> One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
> other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
> With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
> smiling, he says to her.
>
> "Honey, would you give me a blow job??" Horrified, she replies, "Are you
> mad? My parents will see us!"
> "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
> "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
> "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
> "No way. It's just too risky!"
> "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!"
> "No, no and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
> "Oh yes you can. Please?"
> "No, no. I just can't"
> "I'm begging you ..."
>
> Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
> shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
> "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need
> be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for f*cks sake, tell
> him to take his hand off the intercom."

[alexg7727]

***That is so true!!!***

1)Moles are always smaller than you imagine.
2)At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.
3)One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4)You've never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.
5)Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator.
6)Reading when your drunk is horrible.
7)Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)Your never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
9)Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag
is almost impossible to resist.
10)Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.
11)You never know where to look when eating an apple.
12)Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13)Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14)Rummaging in an overgrown garden you will always find a bouncy ball.
15)You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16)Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17)The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18)The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.
19)Some days you see lots of people wearing hats
20)Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.
21)Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22)Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23)Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24)You never ever run out of salt.
25)Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26)You cant respect a man who carries a dog.
27)Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
gotten your hand or head stuck in something.
28)No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29)Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has
their arm broken by a swan.
30)The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on an upturned plug.
31)People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32)Youve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood to specifically stir paint with.
33)Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34)Bricks are horrible to carry.
35)In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36)Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.
37)Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child
38)Sometimes people who cant use the cash machine infront of you
turn round and tell you it is broken!!
39)Whatever happens to odd socks?
40)Why wont ENGLISH shops accept Scottish currency?
41)Why do shoe laces break five seconds before you are going out?
42)Who has ever eaten a kumquat?
43)What is the matrix?
44)Every now and again you get excrusiating pain in your ear which last about
two seconds
45)Whatever happened to white dog shit?
46)Sydney isnt the capital of Australia

[alexg7727]

Three Vampires walk into a bar. One orders a double blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood.
The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. 'Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?', asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says... I’m making tea