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Old 12-15-2016, 01:11 PM   #12081
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk."
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Old 12-16-2016, 01:16 AM   #12082
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gedly View Post
"Constipated, Watson?"
"No shit, Sherlock".
"Let me have a look, Watson. I may be able to tell you what's wrong".

"Alright, Holmes".

"Ah, I see. You've got a citrus fruit stuck up there".

"What?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson".
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Old 12-16-2016, 02:20 AM   #12083
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
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Old 12-16-2016, 11:27 PM   #12084
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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Old 12-17-2016, 07:16 AM   #12085
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Sad news as a man was killed in a chocolate factory today, apparently 500lbs of white confectionary fell on him...........................he tried to call for help but when he shouted the 'milky bars are on me!' every one just cheered and clapped..............
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Old 12-17-2016, 08:28 AM   #12086
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Some say filling animals with helium is wrong.
I say, whatever floats your goat.
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Old 12-17-2016, 04:08 PM   #12087
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I had a run in with a female hunter the other day.
She was quite excitedly waving her gun around and telling me to get away from her kill. She had shot this deer and it was all hers.
When she finally stopped talking I said "Fine, you can keep your kill. Just shoulder your rifle while I get my saddle."
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Old 12-18-2016, 03:04 PM   #12088
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Here's one that just popped into my head this afternoon for no reason:

Q:What's a Muslim's favourite breakfast cereal?
A:Koran-flakes!
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Old 12-18-2016, 03:16 PM   #12089
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ManofKent View Post
Here's one that just popped into my head this afternoon for no reason:

Q:What's a Muslim's favourite breakfast cereal?
A:Koran-flakes!
Groan. Better stuff it back in there
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Old 12-18-2016, 03:36 PM   #12090
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Originally Posted by }[eywood View Post
Groan. Better stuff it back in there
That's what she said.
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