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Old 11-23-2016, 04:12 PM   #12081
trailmaster
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Smile

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
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When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
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Knock, Knock-Who's there?- Your Java Update.
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About 4,000 years ago: God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die! Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
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How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
It's when the blind try to read your face.
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Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
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Old 11-24-2016, 03:13 PM   #12082
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It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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After many years of studying at a university, I've fianally become a PhD... or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
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There is nothing worse than child polio. No wait, there's womens's soccer.
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Why did the shark keep swimming in circles? It had a nosebleed.
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Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
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"I wasn't that drunk yesterday" "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying"
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I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn't get bacon seeds anywhere.
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Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn't count.
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Old 11-24-2016, 07:23 PM   #12083
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So the cops said to me, "The DNA we collected from this car matches exactly your DNA. You know what that means, don't you?"
"That I've got a twin brother who's a Ford Escort?"
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Old 11-25-2016, 10:34 AM   #12084
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Two philosophers were sitting in a coffe shop by the window and they were discussing how they thought the world would end.

The first philosopher says "the world will end in flames and everything will burn!"

The second philosopher retorted "No! The world will once again flood like in the bible!"

... Then out of nowhere llamas started falling from the sky!

...it was the alpacalypse.
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Old 11-25-2016, 01:05 PM   #12085
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Old 11-25-2016, 03:36 PM   #12086
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Smile

Woke up with a dead leg this morning. I will not take out a loan with the mafia ever again.
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A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
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The 21st century: Deleting history is often more important than making it.
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What does a crocodile say when it eats a clown? "Tastes funny somehow!"
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Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it? A conversation.
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Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.
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Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: "I have the feeling somebody is watching me."
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I'm selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
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Old 11-25-2016, 05:07 PM   #12087
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My first wife was a ballerina, she really kept me on my toes.
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Old 11-25-2016, 05:09 PM   #12088
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i used to go out with a contortionist,The sex was great until She broke it off...
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The nakedness of woman is the work of God-William Blake

It is a porn site,But it's a Classy porn site.
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Old 11-25-2016, 09:29 PM   #12089
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
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Old 11-25-2016, 11:04 PM   #12090
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Use Protection

A 90-year-old man shows up at a whorehouse. He slaps his $100 bucks down on the counter, but all the girls just laugh at him. Except for one kind-hearted girl, who takes his money and walks him upstairs. No sooner do they get into the room and undressed, than the old man makes the most wild, energetic and passionate love to the hooker...the best she'd ever had.
"Wow! You're unbelievable!" she says, adding, "Let's do it again...on the house!"
"Okay," the oldie says, "but first I'll have to take a 15-minute nap, during which you must hold onto my penis with both hands."
The hooker agrees, and after awakening the man repeats his incredible performance.
"Let's do it again...I'll even pay YOU!!" she exclaims. "But first, I gotta know...what's with the nap and the hands-on-your-penis bit??"
The old man answers, "As far as the nap is concerned, hey...I'm 90 years old. And the holding my penis with both hands? Well, the last time I was in here, one of the girls stole my wallet."
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