Post your corny jokes - Page 1201

**Staffsyeoman** · February 13th, 2017, 04:36 PM

I asked my Mum and Dad what they did to stave off boredom before the internet came along. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters too, and they didn't know, either.

**bloke57** · February 13th, 2017, 09:14 PM

I decided to tell my wife the truth and confess that I've been seeing a psychiatrist.

Apparently she's also been seeing a psychiatrist...two plumbers and the window cleaner!

**gedly** · February 14th, 2017, 04:19 PM

An old fella walks into a barber's and says "Do you do shaves? I've never had a shave in a barber's but I can't shave meself properly any more, me cheeks 'ave got too wrinkly. Can you help?"
"No problem" says the barber "I've got just the thing." He gets a golf ball from a jar and tells the old boy to put it in his mouth between his teeth and cheek. He does as he's asked, his cheek puffs out smooth and the barber gets to work. When that side's done he rolls the ball to the other side of his mouth and spits it out when the shave's done.
"Bloody hell, that's a lovely job, son" he says as he feels his face "that's the smoothest shave I've 'ad in donkey's years. Tell you what though, what if I'd swallered that golf ball?"
"No problem pops, you could have brought it back in a couple of days like the last bloke."

fireburning · February 15th, 2017, 10:31 PM

I tried sniffing coke once, but i got the ice cubes stuck in my nose!!

Aaron · February 15th, 2017, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fireburning

I tried sniffing coke once, but i got the ice cubes stuck in my nose!!

Impressive! I could never get past the bubbles tickling my nose!

**photoflex** · February 18th, 2017, 02:08 AM

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'.
The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar home theatre built in the house.'
The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'
The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.'
The other brothers were very impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: 'Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.'

Marvin -- 'Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.'

'Irving Tataleh, you gave me an expensive home theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.'

'Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The Chicken was delicious!!!'

**gmcbee** · February 18th, 2017, 03:42 AM

^^ GOD DAMN! I laughed so hard it torah me a new one!!!

WELL DONE!

**Staffsyeoman** · February 18th, 2017, 08:14 AM

I have a Polish friend who works as a roadie. I have a Czech one too. I have a Czech one too. I have a Czech one too.

**deadman76** · February 18th, 2017, 02:07 PM

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

and a oldie but goodie

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly. "No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts" "And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians'

**gmcbee** · February 19th, 2017, 02:03 AM

^^ Re Custer, I thought I knew every joke in the world.... Thanks!

Here's a Lone Ranger joke. Just the punchline. You can make up the rest:

No, Tonto! I said bring POSSE!

--
On a side note, You fkers have been bringing me a laugh a day (AT LEAST!) for .... 8 years running. Thank you. My join date was actually in 2007, not 2009, but I posted a thing about Dihydrogen Monoxide, you know.... water, in the FUNNIES thread of all places, and I got banned for spam? and later recreated. I had to kiss some mod ass to get that done. Thanks, mod, if you're still here. Jajajajajajajja!

February 18th, 2017, 02:08 AM	#12006
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,922 Thanked 127,777 Times in 3,570 Posts	Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'. The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar home theatre built in the house.' The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.' The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other brothers were very impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: 'Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.' Marvin -- 'Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.' 'Irving Tataleh, you gave me an expensive home theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.' 'Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Chicken was delicious!!!' __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first. Last edited by photoflex; February 18th, 2017 at 12:00 PM..

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February 13th, 2017, 04:36 PM	#12001
Staffsyeoman Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 2,268 Thanks: 34,177 Thanked 26,750 Times in 2,159 Posts	I asked my Mum and Dad what they did to stave off boredom before the internet came along. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters too, and they didn't know, either.

February 13th, 2017, 09:14 PM	#12002
bloke57 Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Unaffordable housing Posts: 4,923 Thanks: 31,646 Thanked 68,928 Times in 4,921 Posts	I decided to tell my wife the truth and confess that I've been seeing a psychiatrist. Apparently she's also been seeing a psychiatrist...two plumbers and the window cleaner!

February 14th, 2017, 04:19 PM	#12003
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,882 Thanked 69,310 Times in 3,171 Posts	An old fella walks into a barber's and says "Do you do shaves? I've never had a shave in a barber's but I can't shave meself properly any more, me cheeks 'ave got too wrinkly. Can you help?" "No problem" says the barber "I've got just the thing." He gets a golf ball from a jar and tells the old boy to put it in his mouth between his teeth and cheek. He does as he's asked, his cheek puffs out smooth and the barber gets to work. When that side's done he rolls the ball to the other side of his mouth and spits it out when the shave's done. "Bloody hell, that's a lovely job, son" he says as he feels his face "that's the smoothest shave I've 'ad in donkey's years. Tell you what though, what if I'd swallered that golf ball?" "No problem pops, you could have brought it back in a couple of days like the last bloke."

February 15th, 2017, 10:31 PM	#12004
fireburning Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 223 Thanks: 1,977 Thanked 2,860 Times in 223 Posts	I tried sniffing coke once, but i got the ice cubes stuck in my nose!!

February 18th, 2017, 03:42 AM	#12007
gmcbee Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Clinging to the rim of a crater on the dark side of Uranus. Posts: 1,065 Thanks: 3,961 Thanked 11,051 Times in 1,042 Posts	^^ GOD DAMN! I laughed so hard it torah me a new one!!! WELL DONE!

February 18th, 2017, 08:14 AM	#12008
Staffsyeoman Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 2,268 Thanks: 34,177 Thanked 26,750 Times in 2,159 Posts	I have a Polish friend who works as a roadie. I have a Czech one too. I have a Czech one too. I have a Czech one too.

February 18th, 2017, 02:07 PM	#12009
deadman76 Vintage Member Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: Living Room Posts: 775 Thanks: 9,759 Thanked 10,944 Times in 773 Posts	My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'. and a oldie but goodie An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly. "No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts" "And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians'

February 19th, 2017, 02:03 AM	#12010
gmcbee Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Clinging to the rim of a crater on the dark side of Uranus. Posts: 1,065 Thanks: 3,961 Thanked 11,051 Times in 1,042 Posts	^^ Re Custer, I thought I knew every joke in the world.... Thanks! Here's a Lone Ranger joke. Just the punchline. You can make up the rest: No, Tonto! I said bring POSSE! -- On a side note, You fkers have been bringing me a laugh a day (AT LEAST!) for .... 8 years running. Thank you. My join date was actually in 2007, not 2009, but I posted a thing about Dihydrogen Monoxide, you know.... water, in the FUNNIES thread of all places, and I got banned for spam? and later recreated. I had to kiss some mod ass to get that done. Thanks, mod, if you're still here. Jajajajajajajja!