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Old 07-29-2016, 04:20 PM   #11631
MaxJoker
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Tried to take a photograph of the fog earlier ,

mist.
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Old 07-29-2016, 05:54 PM   #11632
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Old 07-30-2016, 10:02 AM   #11633
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True Love
When I first saw my wife I heard the bells ring: dingeling...

Motto of necrophile hippies
Live easy, love free and never ever leave a nice body ...
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Old 07-30-2016, 04:15 PM   #11634
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A Jewish Rabbi commits suicide.
When he pleads with God asks him, "Why did you kill yourself ?"
The Rabbi replies, "Because my son has become a Christian."
God says, "So what my well."
The Rabbi, "and what did you do ?"
God, "a new Testament."


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Old 07-31-2016, 05:21 PM   #11635
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Gunmen held 20 people hostage in a public toilet today. A crack police squad successfully flushed them out.
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Old 07-31-2016, 09:09 PM   #11636
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The wife of a logician is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the father.

His wife asks impatiently: "So is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician replies: "Yes."
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Old 08-01-2016, 02:05 PM   #11637
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Post Sayings of the Jewish Buddha

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So...maybe we're off the hook?
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Old 08-01-2016, 03:24 PM   #11638
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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
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Old 08-01-2016, 03:58 PM   #11639
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A woman is in the supermarket after work buying a bottle of wine, a TV dinner and some cat food. While she is waiting in line at the checkout with her purchases, she feels a tap on her shoulder. She turns around, to see the handsomest man she has ever seen, dude is like Brad Pitt. Her heart skips a beat.

The handsome stranger smiles at her, and she melts inside. "Excuse me," he says, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you single?"

The woman smiles back, pats her hair, and says "Why yes, I am as a matter of fact, how could you tell?"

"Because you're really fucking ugly." The man replies.
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Old 08-01-2016, 06:17 PM   #11640
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Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund ? ,

Somebody told him to get a long little doggie.
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