Post your corny jokes

[trailmaster]

How do you make a group of lawyers smile for a photo? Just say, "Fees"
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What is the difference between women and magnets? Magnets also have a positive side.
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A man is talking to God

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny?"
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
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"Doctor, doctor I feel like a pair of curtains."
Doc say's, "Well, pull yourself together."
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company.
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What dog can't bark?
A hot dog
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What does a cow say to bull?
Are you alwaays that h orn-ny!
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Yo mamma so stupid, she tripped on a wireless phone.
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Chuck Norris only gives one Xmas persent. He allows you to live.
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Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights, they get a workout from him.
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Whats the greatest women joke ever?
Women rights?
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.
Tracy: What do you mean?
Stacy: When we were younger, we learnt to talk and to walk.
At school, we always have to sit down and shut up..
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Being a religious kind of person, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "It's regular porn, you sick bastard!!"
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Naughty boy draws a penis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:
"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!!"
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Genuine advert in New York Newspaper

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows fcking everything.
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come!!!
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Yo mamma so fat, she walked by the TV and I missed half my show.

[SanteeFats]

I'd ask how old you are, but I don't think you can count that high.

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

What is the best contraceptive for old people? Nudity.

[gedly]

My career as a jockey was very short lived, In fact, I fell at the first hurdle.

[dbailey]

One for Hank

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow.
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[dbailey]

So this guy is driving through rural Arkansas and he sees a sign in front of a tired old house with lots of deferred maintenance: 'Talking Dog For Sale'
He stops and rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Silver Lab just sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? Are you kidding? This dog is amazing, why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he can make up more stories than Trump ....... he's never even been out of the back yard!'

[Mal Hombre]

Originally Posted by dbailey

One for Hank
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

On similar theme..
A young soldier's mother dies,The RSM calls out "Private Perkins ?" "Yes Sarn't Major" "Yer Mother died,Dismiss!" The Captain is appalled,When another soldiers' mother passes on,He tells the RSM to break the news more sensitively. "Company! All those with living mothers take one step to the right,Higgins ! Where do think You're going ?"

[dazza2]

Originally Posted by Mal Hombre

On similar theme..
A young soldier's mother dies,The RSM calls out "Private Perkins ?" "Yes Sarn't Major" "Yer Mother died,Dismiss!" The Captain is appalled,When another soldiers' mother passes on,He tells the RSM to break the news more sensitively. "Company! All those with living mothers take one step to the right,Higgins ! Where do think You're going ?"

Like it! classic i was told, RSM walks up to soldier on parade and prods his pace stick into his chest. 'There is a twat on the end of this stick' Soldier replies 'not this end there isn't sir'

[dazza2]

A lot of people hate vegetarians but to be honest i've never had a beef with them........

[effCup]

Originally Posted by dazza2

i've never had a beef with them

And you're not ever likely to, are you?

[dazza2]

Originally Posted by effCup

And you're not ever likely to, are you?

I'm not sure until i meat one...