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Old 04-03-2016, 07:17 PM   #11131
ruffroundedges
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Originally Posted by snark View Post
What did the drummer say to the rest of the band - "shall I start the next song too fast or too slow" ?
That only happens when the front man Diva's up

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.


What's the last thing a drummer says in a band before he gets fired?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
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Pull my finger.....

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Old 04-04-2016, 02:46 PM   #11132
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3 men watching a lap dancer, cockney , brummie and a scouser , cockney pulls a £20 note and sticks it on her left buttock, brummie pulls a tenner and sticks it on her right buttock , scouser pulls out his stolen visa and swipes it beteen her arse cheeks and takes £40 cashback

Glasgow guy sees a job advertised for a fanny waxer’s assistant, job involves removing ladies panties and prepare fanny for waxing, after waxing rub oil into hairless area, he asks about job and is told to go to Plymouth . "Why is that where job is?" he asked "no , it’s the back of the queue", was the reply
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Old 04-04-2016, 09:27 PM   #11133
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Q: How does Moses make his tea ?

A: Hebrews it

'' Renewable Energy. I'm a huge Fan. ''
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Last edited by wimbo77; 04-04-2016 at 09:32 PM..
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Old 04-05-2016, 05:00 PM   #11134
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I’ve been searching for months for my girlfriend’s killer…

…but no one will do it.



What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, and your house back.



Why didn’t the Mexican man go bow hunting?

Because he didn’t habanero.



How do you win an argument with your zombie girlfriend?

Give her a piece of your mind.
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Old 04-07-2016, 10:01 PM   #11135
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Default And that's how the fight started

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started..

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started..

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Looking for more of or about her?
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Old 04-08-2016, 12:20 AM   #11136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captpike View Post
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started...
The wife ordered me to stop going to VEF I told her HELL NO she grabbed a knife to threaten me I grabbed the gun *BANG*

And that's how the fight ended
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 04-10-2016, 03:19 PM   #11137
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At a shrinks office.

My girlfriend would like me to have multiple personalities because she doesn't like my current one.
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Old 04-10-2016, 03:31 PM   #11138
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When My psychiatrist told Me I had multiple personality disorder,I was beside Myself..
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The nakedness of woman is the work of God-William Blake

It is a porn site,But it's a Classy porn site.
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Old 04-10-2016, 08:00 PM   #11139
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I got cloned the other other day - I was literally beside myself.
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Old 04-11-2016, 01:58 AM   #11140
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Originally Posted by Mal Hombre View Post
When My psychiatrist told Me I had multiple personality disorder,I was beside Myself..
I told my shrink "Some days I feel like a wigwam, some days I feel like a teepee."

He said "That's your problem. You're too tense."

[wait for it]
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