Post your corny jokes - Page 722

**tygrkhat40** · December 11th, 2013, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonno71

I turned the TV on early to see people singing and dancing at a funeral.

My hopes were built up at first because I thought Piers Morgan had died.

Define countryside. Someone killing Piers Morgan.

**Jonno71** · December 11th, 2013, 04:22 PM

Remembering back to my wedding day, I will always remember those two words that makes me smile now and forever...

"I'm off"

**slisse** · December 11th, 2013, 07:19 PM

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room."

"She asked me if there was anything I wanted."

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

**amantpoche** · December 12th, 2013, 12:52 PM

what is the difference
between a tire and 365 condoms?

the tire is a goodyear
365 condoms is a greatyear

**retroanalyst** · December 12th, 2013, 04:22 PM

Since my ear surgery I haven't heard from my doctor.

Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

**amantpoche** · December 12th, 2013, 05:30 PM

a customer comes in vacancy Mediterane club,
defeated his luggage, take a swimsuit and
goes to the beach to put on a deck, a nice geo which
passes by him a smile and said hello to him,
after two minutes of conversation, she sees
the client has a small erection, and said
"But you bend it seems to me?" client
very embarrassed, said shyly, yes sorry it must be
the heat of the sun, the geo told here is the club Mediterane
have consumed directly and accompanies her room
fucked for thirty minutes later the client will have a drink
bar, flashing a wide smile, a giant black bartender
asked if his vacation pleases him while discussing the
customer loose a thunderous fart, the bartender said "tell me
you just fart "the embarrassed customer replied sorry
it has escaped me, the bartender told him here is the club Mediterane
have consumed directly, he released a dick like a
horse and sodomized the customer over the counter.
The next morning the client requests that he call a taxi
to leave, the manager asked why he surprised
already want to leave? the customer replied

"I understand you hardly an erection per week
then I fart several times a day "

**rondori** · December 12th, 2013, 05:53 PM

LETTER FROM A REZ KID, NOW AT PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Yá'át'ééh Shimá,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell my brudder Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for da trading post. Tell him to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was kinda sorta restless at the beginning because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting used to sleeping late.

Tell Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. And you get a real bed to sleep on and you don't wake up smelling like the sheepskin. And there's no sheep to herd, horses to tend to, fences to fix, wood to split, practically nothing to do. And you get to take a shower because there's warm water.

They actually have breakfast like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, but kind of weak on mutton, potatoes, ham, steak, fried spam and other regular food, but tell Elmer you can always sit by the two city folks that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city folks can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our hogan to the main highway. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The ocean is nearby but you have to get through what's called a swamp to get to it. Reminds me of swimming in the windmill water tanks back home. The sergeant is like a boarding school dorm aide.

He nags a lot. The captains, majors, and colonels just ride around looking at us somehow, kinda sorta like the council delegate. They don't bother you unless you have something they want.......... This next will make Elmer laugh really hard. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a prairie dog head and it doesn't move or run around. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. And you get to use bigger bullets than the old 22's they sell at the fleamarket in Tuba City.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city folks. I have to be real careful though, because they break real easy. It isn't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Rita from over in Forest Lake. I only beat her once. She joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and she's 5'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Elmer! to hurry and join before all those other guys figure out that this is easier than boarding school in Lukachukai.

Your loving daughter, Roycita.

From Countryboy79's Native Jokes Page

henry_fellows · December 12th, 2013, 06:05 PM

Just thought this up: All respects to Nelson Mandela.

The Authorities have deciphered the language that the schizophrenic was signing at the memorial event in Soweto for Nelson Mandela, it was Mumbo Jumbo

mum-bo jum-bo (mum'boh jum'boh) n. pl. <mumbo jum-bos>
1. meaningless incantation or ritual.
2. senseless or pretentious language, usu.
designed to obscure or confuse.
3. an object of superstitious awe or
reverence.
[1738; first used in reference to a masked figure
among the Malinke of West Africa who punished
women for moral lapses; of uncert. orig.]

**photoflex** · December 12th, 2013, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by henry_fellows

Just thought this up: All respects to Nelson Mandela.
The Authorities have deciphered the language that the schizophrenic was signing at the memorial event in Soweto for Nelson Mandela, it was Mumbo Jumbo

Trust you to open page 747 with a Jumbo joke!

**retroanalyst** · December 13th, 2013, 02:48 PM

During a row my wife shouted at our son "You're just like your dad, always jumping to wrong conclusions!"

I was devastated. I'd always assumed I was his father.

December 11th, 2013, 07:19 PM	#7213
slisse Vintage Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: BE Posts: 2,405 Thanks: 32,668 Thanked 72,544 Times in 2,481 Posts	"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room." "She asked me if there was anything I wanted." I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" __________________ Life is short, so try to make the best of it. If any of my links isn't working, please send me a PM so I can fix it. Thank you.

December 12th, 2013, 04:22 PM	#7215
retroanalyst in memoriam Max Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Germany Posts: 3,586 Thanks: 122,083 Thanked 47,469 Times in 3,337 Posts	Since my ear surgery I haven't heard from my doctor. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. __________________ Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

December 12th, 2013, 05:53 PM	#7217
rondori Vintage Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: New Mexico Posts: 561 Thanks: 36,148 Thanked 14,026 Times in 536 Posts	NDN joke LETTER FROM A REZ KID, NOW AT PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT. Yá'át'ééh Shimá, I am well. Hope you are. Tell my brudder Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for da trading post. Tell him to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was kinda sorta restless at the beginning because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting used to sleeping late. Tell Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. And you get a real bed to sleep on and you don't wake up smelling like the sheepskin. And there's no sheep to herd, horses to tend to, fences to fix, wood to split, practically nothing to do. And you get to take a shower because there's warm water. They actually have breakfast like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, but kind of weak on mutton, potatoes, ham, steak, fried spam and other regular food, but tell Elmer you can always sit by the two city folks that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city folks can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our hogan to the main highway. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The ocean is nearby but you have to get through what's called a swamp to get to it. Reminds me of swimming in the windmill water tanks back home. The sergeant is like a boarding school dorm aide. He nags a lot. The captains, majors, and colonels just ride around looking at us somehow, kinda sorta like the council delegate. They don't bother you unless you have something they want.......... This next will make Elmer laugh really hard. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a prairie dog head and it doesn't move or run around. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. And you get to use bigger bullets than the old 22's they sell at the fleamarket in Tuba City. Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city folks. I have to be real careful though, because they break real easy. It isn't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Rita from over in Forest Lake. I only beat her once. She joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and she's 5'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Elmer! to hurry and join before all those other guys figure out that this is easier than boarding school in Lukachukai. Your loving daughter, Roycita. From Countryboy79's Native Jokes Page __________________ I'm OK, you're UKE: all cultures are multicultural, all races are multiracial. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Last edited by rondori; December 14th, 2013 at 02:19 AM.. Reason: readability

December 12th, 2013, 06:05 PM	#7218
henry_fellows Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Philippines Posts: 133 Thanks: 2,613 Thanked 2,507 Times in 112 Posts	Sign Language Just thought this up: All respects to Nelson Mandela. The Authorities have deciphered the language that the schizophrenic was signing at the memorial event in Soweto for Nelson Mandela, it was Mumbo Jumbo mum-bo jum-bo (mum'boh jum'boh) n. pl. <mumbo jum-bos> 1. meaningless incantation or ritual. 2. senseless or pretentious language, usu. designed to obscure or confuse. 3. an object of superstitious awe or reverence. [1738; first used in reference to a masked figure among the Malinke of West Africa who punished women for moral lapses; of uncert. orig.]

December 13th, 2013, 02:48 PM	#7220
retroanalyst in memoriam Max Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Germany Posts: 3,586 Thanks: 122,083 Thanked 47,469 Times in 3,337 Posts	During a row my wife shouted at our son "You're just like your dad, always jumping to wrong conclusions!" I was devastated. I'd always assumed I was his father. __________________ Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

December 11th, 2013, 04:22 PM	#7212
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,964 Times in 1,503 Posts	Remembering back to my wedding day, I will always remember those two words that makes me smile now and forever... "I'm off"

December 12th, 2013, 12:52 PM	#7214
amantpoche Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 5,859 Thanks: 68,850 Thanked 199,698 Times in 6,832 Posts	what is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? the tire is a goodyear 365 condoms is a greatyear

December 12th, 2013, 05:30 PM	#7216
amantpoche Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 5,859 Thanks: 68,850 Thanked 199,698 Times in 6,832 Posts	a customer comes in vacancy Mediterane club, defeated his luggage, take a swimsuit and goes to the beach to put on a deck, a nice geo which passes by him a smile and said hello to him, after two minutes of conversation, she sees the client has a small erection, and said "But you bend it seems to me?" client very embarrassed, said shyly, yes sorry it must be the heat of the sun, the geo told here is the club Mediterane have consumed directly and accompanies her room fucked for thirty minutes later the client will have a drink bar, flashing a wide smile, a giant black bartender asked if his vacation pleases him while discussing the customer loose a thunderous fart, the bartender said "tell me you just fart "the embarrassed customer replied sorry it has escaped me, the bartender told him here is the club Mediterane have consumed directly, he released a dick like a horse and sodomized the customer over the counter. The next morning the client requests that he call a taxi to leave, the manager asked why he surprised already want to leave? the customer replied "I understand you hardly an erection per week then I fart several times a day "