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Old 02-22-2018, 08:54 PM   #13381
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viagra shipment stolen ... cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 02-23-2018, 06:26 AM   #13382
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A Sudanese, an Indian and a Singaporean were asked, "In your opinion, what is the nutritional value of beef?" The Sudanese said, "What is nutritional value?" The Indian said, "What is beef?" and the Singaporean said, "What is an opinion?" - Karl Nelson, as recounted to Paul Theroux.
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Old 02-23-2018, 12:42 PM   #13383
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at a local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he is expected to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct", answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:47 AM   #13384
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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant:
“Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
“Ask him again where my damn money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell…that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 02-24-2018, 01:59 PM   #13385
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An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked him with a sneer, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there;send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Old 02-24-2018, 05:12 PM   #13386
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My wife always gets upset when I joke about her weight. She needs to lighten up
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Old 02-24-2018, 06:01 PM   #13387
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All vegans are uptight and sexually frustrated people; they need more meat in their diets.
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Old 02-24-2018, 06:50 PM   #13388
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Suppositories? You can shove them up your arse.
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Old 02-24-2018, 07:58 PM   #13389
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During the oral exams I was told that I had a good head
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Old 02-24-2018, 09:11 PM   #13390
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Colleen Rooney has recently bought the book "The Joy of Sex" to help with her troubled marriage.

When asked if it was a success, she tearfully said "No, it's been a disaster. Every time I get the book out, Wayne starts colouring it in."
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