Post your corny jokes - Page 1120

**Silklover** · June 29th, 2016, 08:48 AM

When the Swedish company Electrolux were to introduce vacuum cleaners in the UK they found a good slogan for that: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"

**SanteeFats** · June 29th, 2016, 03:23 PM

Sometimes I am away from the family for weeks. They deserve better. So I am going to start staying away longer.

**bp666** · June 29th, 2016, 04:06 PM

Viagra - it won't make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

**thunderfly** · June 29th, 2016, 04:26 PM

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.
I asked "where's this stemming from petal?"

I've got a chicken proof lawn.
It's impeccable.

I've just bought a new aftershave called bread crumbs.
The birds love it!

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was like a trip down memory lane.

I use to date a tennis player. But love meant nothing to her.

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, She means 666-3629.

Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool.
Wooden tit?

I took the rear view mirror out of the car, and since then I’ve never looked back.

I don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat.

Last night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings - I was Tolkien in my sleep.

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room to make it look more classy.

The Mother-In-Law’s drowning and I've informed Emergency Services.
I hope they save her or it’s a waste of a first class stamp.

I've just bought a house with period features...
My wife really hates that nickname.

When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked!

I just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word.
I can't even tell you how angry I am!

**rosestone** · June 29th, 2016, 06:00 PM

I've just watched 'Bonnie Tyler's Goalkeeping Blunders' on DVD.

It's totally clips of Joe Hart.

**gedly** · June 29th, 2016, 06:26 PM

I once tried to invent a musical kettle but my idea ran out of steam.

MaxJoker · July 1st, 2016, 06:13 PM

**dbailey** · July 2nd, 2016, 12:57 AM

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'

No offence meant to any brothers who may be Lawyers.......or Priests..I guess.

**SanteeFats** · July 2nd, 2016, 02:28 AM

There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.

**gmcbee** · July 2nd, 2016, 05:25 AM

I love this joke so much:

Seamus was 87, on his deathbed and in pain. He smelled the aroma of a fresh baked pie coming from outside his bedroom. He thought to himself, "My dear wife Maggie must be making my favorite pie as a sentiment to our final hours together." So he mustered up what little strength he had remaining in his wracked and feeble body and dragged himself out of bed.

Fighting off the pain and weakness, he stumbled into the hallway, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. There, on the table, he saw the magnificent pie, the steam still rising from the crust. He thought, "God bless me devoted wife Margaret for giving me such pleasure in my final hours on this earth", and he fell to the floor and crawled towards the table.

He got to the table and, with the last ounce of strength he had left, reached up with his hand to take a taste. Just then, he felt the stinging *whack*! of a spoon across his knuckles.

He looked up to see Margaret standing over him, shouting "Don't ye dare touch that pie, ya great ass, it's for the wake!"

June 29th, 2016, 06:00 PM	#11195
rosestone Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2013 Posts: 2,256 Thanks: 79,772 Thanked 37,954 Times in 2,261 Posts	One for soccer fans (and, I guess, Bonnie Tyler fans) I've just watched 'Bonnie Tyler's Goalkeeping Blunders' on DVD. It's totally clips of Joe Hart.

July 1st, 2016, 06:13 PM	#11197
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,581 Times in 69,067 Posts	__________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

June 29th, 2016, 08:48 AM	#11191
Silklover Vintage Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Next to you Posts: 1,253 Thanks: 17,262 Thanked 17,820 Times in 1,241 Posts	When the Swedish company Electrolux were to introduce vacuum cleaners in the UK they found a good slogan for that: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"

June 29th, 2016, 03:23 PM	#11192
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,846 Thanks: 281,891 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	Sometimes I am away from the family for weeks. They deserve better. So I am going to start staying away longer.

June 29th, 2016, 04:06 PM	#11193
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,073 Thanks: 77,546 Thanked 14,184 Times in 1,074 Posts	Viagra - it won't make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

June 29th, 2016, 04:26 PM	#11194
thunderfly Vintage Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 896 Thanks: 6,620 Thanked 11,386 Times in 896 Posts	My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants. I asked "where's this stemming from petal?" I've got a chicken proof lawn. It's impeccable. I've just bought a new aftershave called bread crumbs. The birds love it! I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was like a trip down memory lane. I use to date a tennis player. But love meant nothing to her. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, She means 666-3629. Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool. Wooden tit? I took the rear view mirror out of the car, and since then I’ve never looked back. I don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat. Last night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings - I was Tolkien in my sleep. I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room to make it look more classy. The Mother-In-Law’s drowning and I've informed Emergency Services. I hope they save her or it’s a waste of a first class stamp. I've just bought a house with period features... My wife really hates that nickname. When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked! I just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word. I can't even tell you how angry I am!

June 29th, 2016, 06:26 PM	#11196
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,886 Thanked 69,318 Times in 3,171 Posts	I once tried to invent a musical kettle but my idea ran out of steam.

July 2nd, 2016, 12:57 AM	#11198
dbailey Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Wharfedale, Yorkshire, UK Posts: 2,298 Thanks: 137,964 Thanked 24,965 Times in 2,218 Posts	On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?' After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!' No offence meant to any brothers who may be Lawyers.......or Priests..I guess.

July 2nd, 2016, 02:28 AM	#11199
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,846 Thanks: 281,891 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.

July 2nd, 2016, 05:25 AM	#11200
gmcbee Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Clinging to the rim of a crater on the dark side of Uranus. Posts: 1,065 Thanks: 3,961 Thanked 11,051 Times in 1,042 Posts	I love this joke so much: Seamus was 87, on his deathbed and in pain. He smelled the aroma of a fresh baked pie coming from outside his bedroom. He thought to himself, "My dear wife Maggie must be making my favorite pie as a sentiment to our final hours together." So he mustered up what little strength he had remaining in his wracked and feeble body and dragged himself out of bed. Fighting off the pain and weakness, he stumbled into the hallway, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. There, on the table, he saw the magnificent pie, the steam still rising from the crust. He thought, "God bless me devoted wife Margaret for giving me such pleasure in my final hours on this earth", and he fell to the floor and crawled towards the table. He got to the table and, with the last ounce of strength he had left, reached up with his hand to take a taste. Just then, he felt the stinging whack! of a spoon across his knuckles. He looked up to see Margaret standing over him, shouting "Don't ye dare touch that pie, ya great ass, it's for the wake!"