Lewd Limericks

[thewolf]

There was a man from Havana,
Who thought he could play the piana.
His fingers slipped,
his zipper unzipped.
And out came a hairy banana!

There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He whipped out his penis
And woke up with a handfull of goo

There once was a man from Australia
Who had extra-large genitalia
He said to his bride,
Don't try to hide
'Cause wherever you go I can nail ya'

There was a Young Man named MacNair
Who buggered his Wife on the Stair.
The bannister Broke...
...Without missing a Stroke
He Finished her off in Mid-Air.

There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between

There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!

There was a young woman named Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they never went soft.

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,
Likes to jack off the young men she loves,
She will use her bare fist,
If the fellows insist,
But she really prefers to wear gloves.

[Keen Eye]

From John Irvings "The cider house rules". Was voted best limerick at Princeton University in 1938.

There once was a Queen of Bulgaria

Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,

Till a Prince from Peru

Who came up for a screw

Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

[oldster]

Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
I come here to scratch my balls
and read the bullshit on the walls.

[bp666]

There was an old maid from Camelot,
Who survived on frog shit and snot,
When she grew tired of these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.

(Credit to original poster from elsewhere)

[bp666]

There was an old whore from the Azores,
Who's cunt was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.

[bp666]

There once was a rector from Kings,
Who's mind was on Heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire,
For this boy in the choir,
Who's ass was like jelly on springs.

[david3731]

There once was a very short gent who dated a very tall miss.
When they were nose to nose, his toes were in it.
When they were toes to toes, his nose was in it.

[david3731]

There once was a hermit named Dave, who keep a dead whore in his cave. He said "I know it's disgusting, but think of all the money I'm saving."

[skullorchard]

There once was a sailor named Bates,
Who danced a Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless.
And practically useless,
On dates.

[skullorchard]

There was an old woman from Cork,
Who liked to eat shit with a fork.
Her son said, "You goon,
You eat shit with a spoon.
It's pork that you eat with a fork."