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Old 03-25-2018, 09:49 AM   #13521
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William Shakespeare walks into a pub. Landlord says to him 'I'm not serving you your Bard'
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Old 03-25-2018, 09:52 AM   #13522
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How can you tell if a farmer is good at his job?

A: Because he'll be outstanding in his field.
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Old 03-25-2018, 02:26 PM   #13523
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Erection: Where China picks it's politicians
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 03-25-2018, 06:47 PM   #13524
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Returning home a day early from an out-of-town business trip, a man caught a taxi from the airport shortly after midnight. On the cab journey, he confided to the driver that he thought his wife was having an affair. As they pulled up outside his house, the businessman asked the driver: “Would you come inside with me and be a witness?”
The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.
In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!”
His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 03-25-2018, 07:03 PM   #13525
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Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about their companies’ speed of service.
The first said: “When one of our policyholders died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife so quickly that she received the cheque by Thursday morning.”
The second said: “When one of our insured died on Monday, we were able to hand-deliver a cheque to his widow the same evening.”
The third said: “That’s nothing. Our office is on the eighteenth floor. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the seventy-third floor, slipped and fell on Monday. We handed him his cheque as he passed our floor!”
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Old 03-26-2018, 05:58 AM   #13526
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fatrat1 View Post
William Shakespeare walks into a pub. Landlord says to him 'I'm not serving you your Bard'
Vincent Van Gogh walks into a pub. Landlord says to him "Do you want a pint?", Van Gogh says, "No thanks, I've got one ear".
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Old 03-26-2018, 11:16 AM   #13527
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You know you're getting old when you are able to hysterically laugh, cough, sneeze and fart all at the same time
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Old 03-26-2018, 11:21 AM   #13528
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machman View Post
and fart all at the same time
It gets better | worse as you get even older.
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Old 03-26-2018, 06:01 PM   #13529
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The police kicked down my front door and tazered me. It all came as quite a shock.
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Old 03-27-2018, 01:45 PM   #13530
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Insults From Little Kids: Volume 1:


A friend's younger sister had drawn a picture of me and titled it "Dumb." In the picture I had this happy little smile.

"If I'm so dumb, why am I happy?" I asked her.

"Because you don't know any better."
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