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Old September 15th, 2012, 04:35 PM   #5011
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A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that has haunted me all of my days on earth...."

"Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That is a question that only God can answer..."

So... the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please---I must know---am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more. St. Peter asked, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No! Sir, God simply said, you are what you are."

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then that answers it you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is'."
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Old September 17th, 2012, 03:48 PM   #5012
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No I don't" she replied.

"Well" he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

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Old September 17th, 2012, 04:38 PM   #5013
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Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska,
spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and
he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was
a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering
briefly, Bob decided to accept the alternative. So the black bear had
his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon
recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska
where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there
was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood
right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That
was my cousin and you've got two choices:
Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you." Again, Bob
thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be
mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived,
it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely
outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the
grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments
later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find giant
polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said,
"Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Old September 17th, 2012, 05:16 PM   #5014
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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Old September 17th, 2012, 06:04 PM   #5015
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I bought some Emo grass seed,Soon I'll have a lawn that cuts itself....
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Old September 17th, 2012, 06:45 PM   #5016
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I made myself some glasses yesterday made out of spaghetti rings...I wish I hadn't done it in Heinz sight.
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Old September 17th, 2012, 06:47 PM   #5017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff Vader View Post
I made myself some glasses yesterday made out of spaghetti rings...I wish I hadn't done it in Heinz sight.
Never mind, I'm sure you're pasta worst now.
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Old September 17th, 2012, 07:48 PM   #5018
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I'm devastated to learn that my wife has been having an affair with a bloke called Armageddon. It's just the end of the world for me.
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Old September 18th, 2012, 09:38 AM   #5019
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Q. What's black and blue and frightened of sex?

A. A small boy in a priest's cupboard!
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Old September 18th, 2012, 03:56 PM   #5020
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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