Post your corny jokes - Page 1417

**trailmaster** · January 3rd, 2019, 12:04 PM

Once there was a man who loved playing football. He suddenly started wondering if there is football in heaven? He decided to visit a priest and ask. He visited the priest and asked-"If I die can I play football in heaven?" The priest said "I can ask God, so if you return in a few days I will have an answer for you". A few days later the man returned to church and asked if the priest had gotten a reply. "Well, I have both good and bad news" - the priest said. "Alright, then give me the good news first." "There is football in heaven." "I'm glad to hear that, but what is the bad news?"
"That you will be playing on their team on Saturday!"

~~}[eywood~~ · January 3rd, 2019, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmaster

Once there was a man who loved playing football. He suddenly started wondering if there is football in heaven? He decided to visit a priest and ask. He visited the priest and asked-"If I die can I play football in heaven?" The priest said "I can ask God, so if you return in a few days I will have an answer for you". A few days later the man returned to church and asked if the priest had gotten a reply. "Well, I have both good and bad news" - the priest said. "Alright, then give me the good news first." "There is football in heaven." "I'm glad to hear that, but what is the bad news?"
"That you will be playing on their team on Saturday!"

...and it's British football!

**Baresfan** · January 4th, 2019, 12:46 PM

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. “How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

Art McBride · January 4th, 2019, 02:44 PM

Very good Joke. Can be a little better if say "The pharmacist asked "Do you want a new one" Then at the end say "The regiment voted Aye"

**trailmaster** · January 4th, 2019, 09:15 PM

The door bell rang. "Hello, I am collecting donations for an elderly home."
"Wait a minute, you can get my mother in law right away!"

**mrfixit** · January 6th, 2019, 06:06 AM

**gedly** · January 6th, 2019, 10:39 AM

I once called an escort agency and asked, "Do you have anybody who's submissive and likes being treated like a piece of shit?"
"We have just the girl", they said.
Did I have great fun trying to flush her down the toilet?

**trailmaster** · January 6th, 2019, 12:44 PM

A Thai girl got it hard in the ass and fell towards the end of the bed, knocking out her teeth. "I'm sorry" the man said. Then the Thai girl replied: "Don't worry, those were just my milk teeth!"

petvictor · January 6th, 2019, 04:07 PM

I was in me shed making one of my inventions,when the nosy neighbour from next door came in.He said your wasting your time and money on these inventions
It was at that point that the,Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own,,,

**captpike** · January 9th, 2019, 03:43 PM

January 3rd, 2019, 12:04 PM	#14161
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,898 Thanks: 1,329,029 Thanked 707,255 Times in 60,072 Posts	Once there was a man who loved playing football. He suddenly started wondering if there is football in heaven? He decided to visit a priest and ask. He visited the priest and asked-"If I die can I play football in heaven?" The priest said "I can ask God, so if you return in a few days I will have an answer for you". A few days later the man returned to church and asked if the priest had gotten a reply. "Well, I have both good and bad news" - the priest said. "Alright, then give me the good news first." "There is football in heaven." "I'm glad to hear that, but what is the bad news?" "That you will be playing on their team on Saturday!" Last edited by trailmaster; January 3rd, 2019 at 12:11 PM..

January 4th, 2019, 02:44 PM	#14164
Art McBride Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 35 Thanks: 8,444 Thanked 240 Times in 29 Posts	Regiment Very good Joke. Can be a little better if say "The pharmacist asked "Do you want a new one" Then at the end say "The regiment voted Aye"

January 6th, 2019, 06:06 AM	#14166
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,867 Thanked 114,823 Times in 9,416 Posts	__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

January 9th, 2019, 03:43 PM	#14170
captpike Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: TALOS IV or South Carolina Posts: 1,175 Thanks: 80,337 Thanked 47,306 Times in 1,164 Posts	__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Looking for more of or about her? Due to recent changes I will be limited on my reups lost most of my collection To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 4th, 2019, 12:46 PM	#14163
Baresfan Vintage Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 1,060 Thanks: 2,313 Thanked 14,182 Times in 1,013 Posts	A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. “How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

January 4th, 2019, 09:15 PM	#14165
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,898 Thanks: 1,329,029 Thanked 707,255 Times in 60,072 Posts	The door bell rang. "Hello, I am collecting donations for an elderly home." "Wait a minute, you can get my mother in law right away!"

January 6th, 2019, 10:39 AM	#14167
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,883 Thanked 69,314 Times in 3,171 Posts	I once called an escort agency and asked, "Do you have anybody who's submissive and likes being treated like a piece of shit?" "We have just the girl", they said. Did I have great fun trying to flush her down the toilet?

January 6th, 2019, 12:44 PM	#14168
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,898 Thanks: 1,329,029 Thanked 707,255 Times in 60,072 Posts	A Thai girl got it hard in the ass and fell towards the end of the bed, knocking out her teeth. "I'm sorry" the man said. Then the Thai girl replied: "Don't worry, those were just my milk teeth!"

January 6th, 2019, 04:07 PM	#14169
petvictor Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 56 Thanks: 1,012 Thanked 701 Times in 50 Posts	I was in me shed making one of my inventions,when the nosy neighbour from next door came in.He said your wasting your time and money on these inventions It was at that point that the,Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own,,,