Post your corny jokes - Page 1125

**trailmaster** · July 13th, 2016, 12:40 PM

Even God Enjoys A Good Laugh

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was good always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all-3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do

**photoflex** · July 13th, 2016, 08:50 PM

Actual Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers. the Last One Is the Best.

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.”

TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

**************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was bored, not stupid!”

**************************

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

*************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

******************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

*****************************

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

*******************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

******************************

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the heck are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

“Wasn’t I married to you once?”

**Mal Hombre** · July 13th, 2016, 09:00 PM

My wife bought Me a butt Plug but I didn't use it in the end..

**SanteeFats** · July 14th, 2016, 03:16 AM

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

**trailmaster** · July 15th, 2016, 11:55 AM

A Lesson In Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit this big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!. So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well" Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

**SanteeFats** · July 15th, 2016, 01:55 PM

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

**trailmaster** · July 15th, 2016, 01:56 PM

A small spaceship crash lands on an L class planet. An L class planet is one where there in so animal life, only vegetation. The pilot who is also an engineer survives the crash, but finds that his radio transceiver is damaged, so he cannot radio for assistance. All he has with him is a small amount of food and a big calendar. Over the next few days he explores the planet and while he does find water he cannot find any edible vegetation. His food supply will only last him about 1 month. One year later a rescue ship finally sets down and they open the hatch of the ship finding the pilot in good spirits and healthy. They are bewildered. One of the men says to the pilot "How did you survive for an entire year here?" The pilot says "It was easy. I ate the dates on the calendar, and also the Sundays."

Source Star Trek Voyager episode "Riddles" Season 6, Episode 6

**Almero** · July 16th, 2016, 12:39 PM

Why is suicide illegal?
Destruction of government property.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!" "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

**gedly** · July 16th, 2016, 12:51 PM

Did you read about the dominatrix who sees over 20 clients a day? Now that sounds like a punishing schedule.

**Mal Hombre** · July 16th, 2016, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gedly

Did you read about the dominatrix who sees over 20 clients a day? Now that sounds like a punishing schedule.

And She doesn't make any money out it because Her clients are strapped for cash..

July 13th, 2016, 12:40 PM	#11241
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,905 Thanks: 1,329,115 Thanked 707,300 Times in 60,079 Posts	Even God Enjoys A Good Laugh There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black 1. He called everyone "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn't get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into his Fathers business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married 2. He was good always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures But the most compelling evidence of all-3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do Last edited by trailmaster; July 13th, 2016 at 10:12 PM..

July 13th, 2016, 08:50 PM	#11242
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,927 Thanked 127,788 Times in 3,570 Posts	Actual Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers. the Last One Is the Best. Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.” TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?” ************************ From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m bored!” Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!” Unknown aircraft: “I said I was bored, not stupid!” ********************** O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.” United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.” ********************* A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.” ************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?” Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.” Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?” Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!” ************************* Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7” Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?” BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.” *************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.” Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.” Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?” Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.” **************************** While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the heck are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?” __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

July 13th, 2016, 09:00 PM	#11243
Mal Hombre El Super Moderador Join Date: May 2009 Location: Adoptive Monkey Hanger Posts: 58,144 Thanks: 772,791 Thanked 855,863 Times in 57,575 Posts	My wife bought Me a butt Plug but I didn't use it in the end.. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. If in doubt, Just ask Yourself What Would Max Do ? It is a porn site,But its a Classy porn site. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

July 14th, 2016, 03:16 AM	#11244
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,833 Thanks: 281,852 Thanked 814,080 Times in 60,881 Posts	A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

July 15th, 2016, 11:55 AM	#11245
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,905 Thanks: 1,329,115 Thanked 707,300 Times in 60,079 Posts	A Lesson In Morals One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit this big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,"Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!. So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well" Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

July 15th, 2016, 01:55 PM	#11246
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,833 Thanks: 281,852 Thanked 814,080 Times in 60,881 Posts	I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

July 15th, 2016, 01:56 PM	#11247
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,905 Thanks: 1,329,115 Thanked 707,300 Times in 60,079 Posts	A small spaceship crash lands on an L class planet. An L class planet is one where there in so animal life, only vegetation. The pilot who is also an engineer survives the crash, but finds that his radio transceiver is damaged, so he cannot radio for assistance. All he has with him is a small amount of food and a big calendar. Over the next few days he explores the planet and while he does find water he cannot find any edible vegetation. His food supply will only last him about 1 month. One year later a rescue ship finally sets down and they open the hatch of the ship finding the pilot in good spirits and healthy. They are bewildered. One of the men says to the pilot "How did you survive for an entire year here?" The pilot says "It was easy. I ate the dates on the calendar, and also the Sundays." Source Star Trek Voyager episode "Riddles" Season 6, Episode 6

July 16th, 2016, 12:39 PM	#11248
Almero Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: From Russia with love Posts: 1,432 Thanks: 13,926 Thanked 25,344 Times in 1,425 Posts	Why is suicide illegal? Destruction of government property. A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!" "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

July 16th, 2016, 12:51 PM	#11249
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,886 Thanked 69,318 Times in 3,171 Posts	Did you read about the dominatrix who sees over 20 clients a day? Now that sounds like a punishing schedule.