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Old 07-17-2017, 07:44 AM   #1
rosestone
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Default How do you cope with the lady in your life?

I think this is the first proper thread I've started on VEF, I donít think this has been asked before, if it has I couldnít find it. This is a question Iíve wanted to ask, because I love this forum, and Iím hoping that Dr VEF might soothe me again.

Iíve posted in other threads about my marital discombobulations, posting here is my one form of catharsis (bizarrely). I was going to say that my wife is sometimes difficult to deal with, but sheís not just difficult. Sheís impossible.

A quick example: she will attack me for Ďignoringí her, or on one occasion recently, for working while she was watching cute animal clickbait on youtube (donít ask me how this is a crime, but apparently it is). And I donít just mean that she gets irritated, I mean she launches a full on assault, and she will never, and I mean never, accept any responsibility for any wrongdoing. But she will expect, nay demand, that I engage with her in endless roundtable discussions about my 'misdeeds', which rather than helping just encourages her to go further next time.

I never really know what to do. Iíve noticed that a lot of guys on here are married or in long-term relationships, and Iím still young-ish, so I was hoping that other members might share their experiences, offer their advice, or just use this as a safe place to vent. Have you been with your partner a while? How do you cope? Do you even need to, or do you get along fine with your significant other? Or have you given up trying? Do you have somewhere that you go to, or someone you talk to, or some special words that you say to your good lady? Are you able to work through your problems calmly?

Iím too introvert to talk to my family or friends about this, this is why I use this forum as my therapy, so I am genuinely interested in any and all responses, whether they be long or short, serious or sarcastic.
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Old 07-17-2017, 08:09 AM   #2
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Iíve posted in other threads about my marital discombobulations, posting here is my one form of catharsis (bizarrely). I was going to say that my wife is sometimes difficult to deal with, but sheís not just difficult. Sheís impossible.
"He didn't find out what happiness means until he got married... and then it was too late."
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Old 07-17-2017, 09:03 AM   #3
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@rosestone

1) They are specialised psychologist for these kind of problems in a couple. Maybe you could speak to your wife and tell her that you are not really happy how run some points of your couple and you would like to improve these troubles... maybe in going to a psychologist.

2) There are books about this, but I'd recommand to meet a specialist. More expensive, but it will exchange its analysis. Books are only one way.

But if you still love your wife and these problems disturb your hapiness, you have to speak with her asap. Don't waste your time walking on eggs, when you speak with her.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:02 AM   #4
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this is why I use this forum as my therapy,


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whether they be long or short, serious or sarcastic.
You'll get all those

Mate, I'm 50, didn't get married till a few years ago, what I know about women applies one day and not the next

My experience is this, all women are exactly the same yet vastly different, in other words there's no hard and fast rule for success in any relationship.

I can only use my own marriage, old GF's don't count as that's all they were.

Me, I've known my Missus since 2000, we just clicked. I'll cut this short but we had problems, split for nearly 2 years. Basically our lifestyles clashed, she's more a morning person and me late night guy, I wasn't sleeping and making big mistakes with her kids. We hey back together and I grew up, a little but enough for a compromise .... we make time for each other every day, she does her things in the mornings and I do my fun stuff at night .... the afternoons are ours almost every day. We don't force our habits and likes on each other, when something is suggested if there a no for an answer that's where it's left and no trying to convince and that works well for both of us, an understanding that even though we're almost alike there's still those individual things that makes us unique

Just this past weekend we went ot one of her friends weddings, I didn't want to go but it was important to her so didn't bother saying no, she's the same, once in a while I still need a night out with the boys and get drunk ... there's absolutely no objection. The only thing I can say is give each other room and once in a while give a yes for an answer when you know she'd have been expecting a no .... as painful as that might be to do.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:08 AM   #5
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2) There are books about this, but I'd recommand to meet a specialist. More expensive, but it will exchange its analysis. Books are only one way.
I've actually come to dislike these books, because I've read a ton of them, and although there's some good advice, my wife uses them as a 'weapon' rather than a 'tool', if that makes sense - ie she'll pick something out and use it in an argument to prove what an a-hole I am. But if I try and do the same, she dismisses it. Which I wouldn't mind, except she never reads these books, but she expects me to (seriously)

It's not that I don't love her, but you know that expression 'two thirds of all the problems in the world would disappear if everyone stayed at home and did nothing'? Well, I've come to believe that 90-odd percent of all problems in male-female relationships would disappear if she would just calm the eff down.

Sigh. I'm actually hoping for some members to tell me happy stories about how their successful coping mechanisms have allowed a long and fruitful union.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:18 AM   #6
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Me, I've known my Missus since 2000, we just clicked.


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We don't force our habits and likes on each other, when something is suggested if there a no for an answer that's where it's left and no trying to convince and that works well for both of us, an understanding that even though we're almost alike there's still those individual things that makes us unique

Just this past weekend we went ot one of her friends weddings, I didn't want to go but it was important to her so didn't bother saying no, she's the same, once in a while I still need a night out with the boys and get drunk ... there's absolutely no objection. The only thing I can say is give each other room and once in a while give a yes for an answer when you know she'd have been expecting a no .... as painful as that might be to do.
Thanks E, very sage advice, this is something I do struggle with, is doing our own thing - I try in vain to convince Mrs RS that me working, or emailing friends or whatever, is not a bad thing, that we don't have to spend all our time together. I think it was Malcolm X who said that boundaries need to be established for a marriage to be successful (I think he actually said "don't give her too much sugar, but give her a little when she doesn't expect it"), and obviously a lot of our relationship difficulties are down to me.

But you're a much better man than me for going to that wedding, I don't know if I could face something like that!
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:34 AM   #7
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(I think he actually said "don't give her too much sugar, but give her a little when she doesn't expect it"), and obviously a lot of our relationship difficulties are down to me.
You've hit the nail right on the head But like I said every relationship is different and I'm a little lucky Mrs E isn't the typical woman in that a lot of the girly things gils like don't really impress her so that makes it easier for me. If I bought her flowers or perfume or any crap like that, well, I don't know as she don't expect it and I know she don't really need it.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:38 AM   #8
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....
Why don't you want to meet a psychologist?

I can speak about me, but that wouldn't help you. Because everybody is different.

I never was really happy with women. So 15 years ago, I've decided to live without women.
One of my friend calls me a monk.

Damned, if it's only to ejaculate inside a woman that men stay with a peewish woman, it's better to quit her and to play billard or another game with men.

I'll tell you a little story.
I was with 5 guys working in my village to put plates with numbers on the wall of houses.
We stopped at the house of one of our first teacher, a old woman.
She asked us who was thinking to marry.
We were between 20 to 25 years old. And only one of us replied that he would be glad to marry his actual girlfriend.

Surprisingly this old female teacher told us: "Better to be alone instead to load yourself of green wood."
Then she explained to us that during her 40 years of teaching, she was horrified to observe how vicious and cruel were little girls compared to little boys. She told us several examples.

But... by the time I forgot what she said and fell in love two times. And I understood one thing, women are rarely pacific company. They always are unhappy about something. They often behave better with a stranger, with the friend of their husband than with their own husband.
If you want to live cooool, you have to find the rare pearl or stay away from women.

@Estreeter....

So did you find the rare pearl?

That's possible, but that means you won the jackpot.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:47 AM   #9
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I was going to say that my wife is sometimes difficult to deal with, but sheís not just difficult. Sheís impossible.


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A quick example: she will attack me for Ďignoringí her, or on one occasion recently, for working while she was watching cute animal clickbait on youtube (donít ask me how this is a crime, but apparently it is). And I donít just mean that she gets irritated, I mean she launches a full on assault, and she will never, and I mean never, accept any responsibility for any wrongdoing. But she will expect, nay demand, that I engage with her in endless roundtable discussions about my 'misdeeds', which rather than helping just encourages her to go further next time.
Uggggh like existence can't be stressful enough. Nobody should have to put up with this treading on eggshells bollocks

"He typed , having done it himself more often than not simply for an illusory quiet moment"

Sounds like things are beyond rough for you


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I never really know what to do. Iíve noticed that a lot of guys on here are married or in long-term relationships, and Iím still young-ish,
Heeeeey we`re all still youngish on here Stones
Barring Greenman of course.
Who can still remember when the Internet was all fields

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Are you able to work through your problems calmly?
To work problems out calmly both parties have to be at least semi rational.
So you`re on a hiding to nothing already there.
The only way I got the previous ex to calm down in her ranting (Oh and we're talking ranting) was finally to lose my temper , telling her I`d had enough and swearing at the mentalist. I`d lasted five and a half months listening and watching her irrational behaviour. All that time being as supportive , patient and understanding as inhumanly possible.
Yeah and for what.
Where did it get me.
I was the one doing all the nurturing and she was the one unable to appreciate anything. Don't just mean my efforts. I mean anything. Anything on this earth. She`s the most negative woman I've known.
But if you checked out her Facebook page it`s all about positivity , self awareness and spreading love
Bleeding typical
That first/last Christmas together was unbelievably awful and pushed normally easy going me close to going over the edge. All unnecessary and all due to her attitude. Her "Demons" as she`d call them.
Might come back to this another day and describe just how awful that Christmas was. But for now I`ll let it lie as it`ll only get me in a shitty mood , with myself.
For putting up with her when knew it wouldn't long term work out.
Like you I`m an introvert and I think being one makes us especially stubborn in struggling on trying to make a bad situation come right. When really we`d be far better off stepping away , catching our breath and moving on to hopefully happier times.

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Iím too introvert to talk to my family or friends about this, this is why I use this forum as my therapy, so I am genuinely interested in any and all responses, whether they be long or short, serious or sarcastic.
It`s a tired bit of advice granted. Yet does hold true.
You need to write down the pros and cons of being in a relationship with her.
If the cons outweigh the pros and those cons are ones that negatively impact on your own quality of life. Then I`d seriously think about thoroughly reevaluating if this woman is who you want to be with her.
As sorry to say it , ss doubtful she`ll change Mate
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:48 AM   #10
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I can speak about me, but that wouldn't help you. Because everybody is different.
It doesn't have to help me necessarily, I'm just interested.

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They often behave better with a stranger, with the friend of their husband than with their own husband.
That's interesting you say that, because I think one of the best bits of advice in those books I was talking about, was "Don't talk to your partner in a way that you wouldn't speak to an acquaintance or a stranger."
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