Post your corny jokes - Page 1306

**ball7** · February 17th, 2018, 08:35 PM

My granddad is so much against capital punishment
that he wanted everybody to know this before they hanged him

**gedly** · February 17th, 2018, 10:07 PM

I've just got fired from my job on a suicide helpline. I mean, all I did was offer handy advice on how they could kill themselves.

**botogames** · February 18th, 2018, 02:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmaster

Some simple jokes:

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba Mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque....
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I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line. Got a call center in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I just love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off!

Boy did those jokes bomb...

**jafad** · February 18th, 2018, 07:14 AM

What's the difference between a kangaroo and kangeroot?

One lives in the outback and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift

**rosestone** · February 18th, 2018, 12:10 PM

So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means. It's not the end of the world.

Solid · February 18th, 2018, 12:21 PM

I've just finished my sandwich filling degree.

I do my final eggs ham tomorrow..

**trailmaster** · February 18th, 2018, 12:30 PM

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

**trailmaster** · February 19th, 2018, 01:52 PM

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Garge replied, "That's me property, and you ain't coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don't let me get the duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you's don't know ow we settle disputes in Newfoundland. We's settle small disagreements like dis wit the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because da dispute occurs on me land, I gets to go first. I kicks you three times and then you kicks me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I gives up. you can ave the fuckin duck."

**gedly** · February 19th, 2018, 06:00 PM

Is it a good idea to have twelve ordinary people decide if a person is guilty or innocent of a crime? I'd say the jury's still out on that one.

February 17th, 2018, 03:23 PM	#13051
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,925 Thanked 127,781 Times in 3,570 Posts	__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

February 18th, 2018, 12:21 PM	#13057
Solid Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 200 Thanks: 21,134 Thanked 2,939 Times in 199 Posts	I've just finished my sandwich filling degree. I do my final eggs ham tomorrow.. __________________ Cheese with everything!

February 17th, 2018, 08:35 PM	#13052
ball7 Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: MIA Posts: 15,691 Thanks: 66,289 Thanked 209,988 Times in 15,731 Posts	My granddad is so much against capital punishment that he wanted everybody to know this before they hanged him

February 17th, 2018, 10:07 PM	#13053
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,883 Thanked 69,314 Times in 3,171 Posts	I've just got fired from my job on a suicide helpline. I mean, all I did was offer handy advice on how they could kill themselves.

February 18th, 2018, 07:14 AM	#13055
jafad Vintage Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 547 Thanks: 740 Thanked 10,278 Times in 547 Posts	What's the difference between a kangaroo and kangeroot? One lives in the outback and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift

February 18th, 2018, 12:10 PM	#13056
rosestone Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2013 Posts: 2,256 Thanks: 79,772 Thanked 37,954 Times in 2,261 Posts	So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means. It's not the end of the world.

February 18th, 2018, 12:30 PM	#13058
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,898 Thanks: 1,329,029 Thanked 707,255 Times in 60,072 Posts	Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

February 19th, 2018, 01:52 PM	#13059
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,898 Thanks: 1,329,029 Thanked 707,255 Times in 60,072 Posts	A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Garge replied, "That's me property, and you ain't coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don't let me get the duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you's don't know ow we settle disputes in Newfoundland. We's settle small disagreements like dis wit the Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because da dispute occurs on me land, I gets to go first. I kicks you three times and then you kicks me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I gives up. you can ave the fuckin duck."

February 19th, 2018, 06:00 PM	#13060
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,883 Thanked 69,314 Times in 3,171 Posts	Is it a good idea to have twelve ordinary people decide if a person is guilty or innocent of a crime? I'd say the jury's still out on that one.