Post your corny jokes - Page 314

**Jonno71** · December 23rd, 2011, 05:30 PM

The missus was kind enough to give me a lift to the pub last night. Upon parking outside she sarcastically asked 'is this close enough for you dear?'...

To which I responded 'Lovely, thank you dear, I can walk to the kerb from here'.

**Jeff Vader** · December 23rd, 2011, 06:06 PM

What do you use a wok for?
Twowing at wabbits

**Eric Cartman** · December 23rd, 2011, 07:40 PM

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband
was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey, remember the jewelry store we went
into 10 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day".

His wife said, beginning to cry, "Yes! I remember that jewelry store".

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."

**Jonno71** · December 23rd, 2011, 08:05 PM

Velcro's a rip-off.

**Jonno71** · December 23rd, 2011, 08:05 PM

I love my wife.

Shit, I meant Wifi.

**Jonno71** · December 23rd, 2011, 08:06 PM

Sorry guys but it's all over.

The fat bird from Little Mix has sung.

**Jonno71** · December 23rd, 2011, 08:09 PM

When the missus came back from town earlier saying "I have got you a bird in a bird in a bird in a bird" I thought she had bought me a porno.

Shame its Christmas dinner.

**Jeff Vader** · December 23rd, 2011, 09:52 PM

I have a dilemma- I really want a Media Studies degree but I just don't eat enough Coco Pops to make it worth collecting the 12 tokens I need.

**gedly** · December 23rd, 2011, 11:40 PM

"Have you ever seen my wife do karate?"
"No but I've seen her box a few times"

HappyFlasher · December 24th, 2011, 06:44 AM

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what
the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place.

December 23rd, 2011, 06:06 PM	#3132
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	What do you use a wok for? Twowing at wabbits __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

December 23rd, 2011, 07:40 PM	#3133
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,147 Times in 14,497 Posts	A Touching Christmas Story A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 10 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day". His wife said, beginning to cry, "Yes! I remember that jewelry store". He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."

December 23rd, 2011, 09:52 PM	#3138
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	I have a dilemma- I really want a Media Studies degree but I just don't eat enough Coco Pops to make it worth collecting the 12 tokens I need. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

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December 23rd, 2011, 05:30 PM	#3131
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	The missus was kind enough to give me a lift to the pub last night. Upon parking outside she sarcastically asked 'is this close enough for you dear?'... To which I responded 'Lovely, thank you dear, I can walk to the kerb from here'.

December 23rd, 2011, 08:05 PM	#3134
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	Velcro's a rip-off.

December 23rd, 2011, 08:05 PM	#3135
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	I love my wife. Shit, I meant Wifi.

December 23rd, 2011, 08:06 PM	#3136
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	Sorry guys but it's all over. The fat bird from Little Mix has sung.

December 23rd, 2011, 08:09 PM	#3137
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	When the missus came back from town earlier saying "I have got you a bird in a bird in a bird in a bird" I thought she had bought me a porno. Shame its Christmas dinner.

December 23rd, 2011, 11:40 PM	#3139
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,306 Times in 3,171 Posts	"Have you ever seen my wife do karate?" "No but I've seen her box a few times"

December 24th, 2011, 06:44 AM	#3140
HappyFlasher Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: I'VE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING, AND I'VE GOT NO IDEA WHERE I'VE BEEN Posts: 142 Thanks: 139 Thanked 1,383 Times in 109 Posts	A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place.