Post your corny jokes - Page 320

**Jeff Vader** · December 29th, 2011, 10:10 AM

Just received a gift box from Erwin Schrödinger.
On Christmas day the kids are going to be delighted, or heartbroken.

hubsy · December 29th, 2011, 11:26 AM

parting shot

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if
he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every
morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of
93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of
the crematorium

**Jeff Vader** · December 29th, 2011, 12:25 PM

I've just been released from the cells. I got stopped last night as part of the local drink driving campaign. The WPC asked me how many drinks I'd had in the last 24 hours. Apparently 'Not enough to shag you' was the wrong answer.....

**Eric Cartman** · December 29th, 2011, 03:51 PM

"Hello. Barnes And Noble."

"Yes. Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I don't remember the title."

"I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one! I'll take a copy."

**Eric Cartman** · December 29th, 2011, 03:58 PM

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"

* she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday

* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

* she thought a quarterback was a refund

* they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade

* under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On phonics"

* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"

* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

* she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats

* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train

* when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends

* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

* she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill

* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

**cuzzyman927** · December 29th, 2011, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ericcartmannn

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"

* she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday

* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

* she thought a quarterback was a refund

* they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade

* under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On phonics"

* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"

* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

* she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats

* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train

* when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends

* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

* she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill

* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

* On the part of the form that asks "sex" she writes every chance I get or whenever I can (depending how much room is on the form)

* When she sees the road sign "Bear Left" then she feels safe to drive on

* She brings her bathing suit/bikini when attending a bridal shower

kennyjackson · December 29th, 2011, 04:52 PM

Since Michael Jackson's death all of his songs are being judged as being more valuable especially the hard sought after, rare cover he did of a Elton John classic. The song is "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"

**Jeff Vader** · December 29th, 2011, 07:11 PM

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

**cuzzyman927** · December 29th, 2011, 07:57 PM

Oxnard and Arman went out hiking deep in the woods. After a few hours Oxnard tells Arman that he has to take a wicked shit. So he asks Arman, "What the hell am I going to do? I don't even have anything to wipe my ass with!

Arman tells him, worry about nothing Oxnard, just do what I usually do. Squat down and prop yourself against a tree and use a dollar to wipe your ass.
Hey, that's a good idea says Oxnard.

So Oxnard goes out and does like Arman said. Five minutes later he comes back and Arman sees that Oxnard has got brown shit all over his hand and fingers.
What the hell happened Oxnard, asks a bewildered Arman? Didn't you do as I said and use a dollar to wipe your ass like I told you?
Oxnard replies, I sure did Arman! I used a dollar exactly like you told me, but it wasn't easy trying to wipe my ass with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!

**Jonno71** · December 29th, 2011, 09:26 PM

Just finished reading the biography of Black Beauty.

Blimey, he was a bit of a dark horse.

December 29th, 2011, 10:10 AM	#3191
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	Just received a gift box from Erwin Schrödinger. On Christmas day the kids are going to be delighted, or heartbroken. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

December 29th, 2011, 11:26 AM	#3192
hubsy Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 108 Thanks: 2,416 Thanked 1,892 Times in 107 Posts	parting shot A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium

December 29th, 2011, 12:25 PM	#3193
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I've just been released from the cells. I got stopped last night as part of the local drink driving campaign. The WPC asked me how many drinks I'd had in the last 24 hours. Apparently 'Not enough to shag you' was the wrong answer..... __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

December 29th, 2011, 03:58 PM	#3195
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	She is soooo blonde..... * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind * she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK" * she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday * she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order * she sent me a fax with a stamp on it * she thought a quarterback was a refund * they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade * under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On phonics" * she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept * at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius" * she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store * she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats * she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train * when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends * when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved * she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill * when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

December 29th, 2011, 07:11 PM	#3198
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.And that's why I'm no longer a fireman. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

December 29th, 2011, 03:51 PM	#3194
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	"Hello. Barnes And Noble." "Yes. Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I don't remember the title." "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one! I'll take a copy."

December 29th, 2011, 04:52 PM	#3197
kennyjackson Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 398 Thanks: 465 Thanked 3,771 Times in 380 Posts	Since Michael Jackson's death all of his songs are being judged as being more valuable especially the hard sought after, rare cover he did of a Elton John classic. The song is "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"

December 29th, 2011, 07:57 PM	#3199
cuzzyman927 Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Down at the "Y" Posts: 33,073 Thanks: 390,390 Thanked 1,111,440 Times in 36,682 Posts	Oxnard and Arman went out hiking deep in the woods. After a few hours Oxnard tells Arman that he has to take a wicked shit. So he asks Arman, "What the hell am I going to do? I don't even have anything to wipe my ass with! Arman tells him, worry about nothing Oxnard, just do what I usually do. Squat down and prop yourself against a tree and use a dollar to wipe your ass. Hey, that's a good idea says Oxnard. So Oxnard goes out and does like Arman said. Five minutes later he comes back and Arman sees that Oxnard has got brown shit all over his hand and fingers. What the hell happened Oxnard, asks a bewildered Arman? Didn't you do as I said and use a dollar to wipe your ass like I told you? Oxnard replies, I sure did Arman! I used a dollar exactly like you told me, but it wasn't easy trying to wipe my ass with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!

December 29th, 2011, 09:26 PM	#3200
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	Just finished reading the biography of Black Beauty. Blimey, he was a bit of a dark horse.

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