Post your corny jokes

[trailmaster]

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing two heavy parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: "For best results, put on two coats."
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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one passenger asks, "who is that man over there?" "I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
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A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries , please." The librarian says, "Sir, you know you're in a library, right?" 'Sorry," he whispers. "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."

[rondori]

A Higgs-Bosun particle shows up in the Sistine Chapel. The Pope asks "What are you doing here?"
"Without me, you can't have mass."

(not Einstein and not the Pope)

[gedly]

I really have got butterflies in my stomach. I should get out of the habit of eating them.

[petvictor]

Breaking News !!!!,,,,David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff,,Well he can"t be arsed with the Hassel anymore,,,

[mrfixit]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”

[bfg9000]

I had called my mom and dad to check on them and catch up on the news from home. Dad said that Mom needed a hobby to keep her from getting bored. He knew she wanted to play the piano, so he had bought a piano to keep her busy.

I asked how she was doing. My father answered that he had to switch her to playing the saxophone. "Why on Earth did you do that for?", I asked. "So to stop her from singing along!" said the father.

[bfg9000]

Originally Posted by mrfixit

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”

I heard that one from Ron "Tater Salad" White on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour years ago and it's still funny today! Thanks for the memories pal.

[mrfixit]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s.x for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

[gedly]

I never seem to have any money before Easter. It's all Lent.

[Solid]

"How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Don't know, it's never been tried".

Ken Dodd - 1927 - 2018.