Post your corny jokes - Page 1363

**HugoHackenbush** · August 4th, 2018, 09:20 PM

The wife said to me one night "I'm bored. I want you to take to someplace I've never been".
So I took her to the kitchen. (rim shot goes here)

**Nobody1** · August 4th, 2018, 10:16 PM

Herbert, Karl and Heinz go to the pub. By midnight, they are finally completely boozed up, and decide to end the evening and go home to their waiting wives. When Heinz gets up from the table, he notices that he pissed into his pants without realizing it, and gets a brutal panic attack. 'My God, if my wife sees this mess she will give me hell for weeks!!!!' Out of sheer fear of his wife, he begins to cry bitterly. 'Wait', Karl says, 'I have an terrific idea how you can easely explain it to her. Just take 20 bucks and put it into a pocket of your jacket. Then you say Herbert peed on you, and gave you the 20 euros for cleaning.' No sooner said than done! Heinz is comforted, and confidently walks home in his wetted pants. His angry wife has been waiting for hours, and immediately starts the nagging. 'Where have you been so long you idiot? God, you are soooo stupid!!! Who do you think I am?' Finally, her sparking gaze wanders to the wet spots. 'And what is that? Did you pee into your pants? 'No', says Heinz, 'that was Herbert. He peed on me. But look into my jacket, there are 20 bucks. Herbert gave it to me for cleaning.' The raging wife immediately controls the jacket, but finds only 50 bucks. What is that again? There are no 20 bucks, but 50 bucks!!!' 'Oh yes', says Heinz, 'I forgot to mention that Herbert has shitted into my pants on the way home as well.'

**PJayBr** · August 5th, 2018, 08:57 AM

Couple go to a marriage guidance councillor and see thay haven't reall talked to each other for the last 10 years. He listens carefully to them, then gets out a bass guitar and begins to play a beautiful solo. The couple began to have a conversation, then stop and look at the councillor and ask him how he did it.

"People always talk during a bass solo" he said.

**fatrat1** · August 5th, 2018, 09:44 AM

[QUOTE=MaxJoker;4512647]I hate being Bi-Polar,

It's awesome.

I'm a schizophrenic.

So I'm I

**trailmaster** · August 5th, 2018, 11:59 AM

One day a nurse is giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath and notices the heartbeat change slightly when the sponge was in her crotch. Excitedly, she goes to the phone and calls the woman's husband and tells him to come to the hospital. When he gets there the nurse tells him that she thinks that his wife could be helped perhaps by a little bit of oral sex, that maybe it is crazy but it just might work. The man goes into his wife's booth. A couple of minutes later her heartbeat flat-lines. The man walks out, and the nurse stunned askes "What happened?" The man replies "I think she choked"

**Silklover** · August 5th, 2018, 02:21 PM

I got it, I got it, I GOT IT!
Apples and pears are really the same.

**ball7** · August 5th, 2018, 07:44 PM

"To Me"
""To you"

**mrfixit** · August 6th, 2018, 01:03 AM

why do nurses carry a red pen

in case they need to draw blood

Aaron · August 6th, 2018, 08:06 PM

Nurses and doctors are in a hurry when they lack patients.

**trailmaster** · August 6th, 2018, 09:15 PM

A man takes his twelve year old daughter to the pharmacy. At the counter he asks the pharmacist what kind of contraception he would recommend for her. Taken aback by the girls apparent age, the pharmacist asks, "Sir, do you mean to tell me your daughter is sexually active?" To which the man replies, "Ah heck naw. she jus' lays there like her mother."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway? Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the films. I ran over, cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time. We screwed all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno," replied the man. "Never found the head!"

August 4th, 2018, 09:20 PM	#13621
HugoHackenbush Veteran Marxist Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Wherever it's warm Posts: 14,106 Thanks: 205,923 Thanked 336,382 Times in 14,159 Posts	The wife said to me one night "I'm bored. I want you to take to someplace I've never been". So I took her to the kitchen. (rim shot goes here) __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Just give me your body - I'll give you my brain - it's a fair exchange

August 5th, 2018, 09:44 AM	#13624
fatrat1 Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2016 Posts: 2,708 Thanks: 52,473 Thanked 27,275 Times in 2,641 Posts	[QUOTE=MaxJoker;4512647]I hate being Bi-Polar, It's awesome. I'm a schizophrenic. So I'm I __________________ My Avatar is To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

August 6th, 2018, 01:03 AM	#13628
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,774 Thanked 114,812 Times in 9,416 Posts	why do nurses carry a red pen in case they need to draw blood __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

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August 4th, 2018, 10:16 PM	#13622
Nobody1 Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 2,119 Thanks: 16,786 Thanked 22,140 Times in 2,127 Posts	Herbert, Karl and Heinz go to the pub. By midnight, they are finally completely boozed up, and decide to end the evening and go home to their waiting wives. When Heinz gets up from the table, he notices that he pissed into his pants without realizing it, and gets a brutal panic attack. 'My God, if my wife sees this mess she will give me hell for weeks!!!!' Out of sheer fear of his wife, he begins to cry bitterly. 'Wait', Karl says, 'I have an terrific idea how you can easely explain it to her. Just take 20 bucks and put it into a pocket of your jacket. Then you say Herbert peed on you, and gave you the 20 euros for cleaning.' No sooner said than done! Heinz is comforted, and confidently walks home in his wetted pants. His angry wife has been waiting for hours, and immediately starts the nagging. 'Where have you been so long you idiot? God, you are soooo stupid!!! Who do you think I am?' Finally, her sparking gaze wanders to the wet spots. 'And what is that? Did you pee into your pants? 'No', says Heinz, 'that was Herbert. He peed on me. But look into my jacket, there are 20 bucks. Herbert gave it to me for cleaning.' The raging wife immediately controls the jacket, but finds only 50 bucks. What is that again? There are no 20 bucks, but 50 bucks!!!' 'Oh yes', says Heinz, 'I forgot to mention that Herbert has shitted into my pants on the way home as well.'

August 5th, 2018, 08:57 AM	#13623
PJayBr Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: In front of my PC with my cock in my hand...... Posts: 1,309 Thanks: 41,569 Thanked 13,689 Times in 1,280 Posts	Couple go to a marriage guidance councillor and see thay haven't reall talked to each other for the last 10 years. He listens carefully to them, then gets out a bass guitar and begins to play a beautiful solo. The couple began to have a conversation, then stop and look at the councillor and ask him how he did it. "People always talk during a bass solo" he said.

August 5th, 2018, 11:59 AM	#13625
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,169 Times in 60,062 Posts	One day a nurse is giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath and notices the heartbeat change slightly when the sponge was in her crotch. Excitedly, she goes to the phone and calls the woman's husband and tells him to come to the hospital. When he gets there the nurse tells him that she thinks that his wife could be helped perhaps by a little bit of oral sex, that maybe it is crazy but it just might work. The man goes into his wife's booth. A couple of minutes later her heartbeat flat-lines. The man walks out, and the nurse stunned askes "What happened?" The man replies "I think she choked"

August 5th, 2018, 02:21 PM	#13626
Silklover Vintage Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Next to you Posts: 1,253 Thanks: 17,262 Thanked 17,818 Times in 1,241 Posts	I got it, I got it, I GOT IT! Apples and pears are really the same.

August 5th, 2018, 07:44 PM	#13627
ball7 Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: MIA Posts: 15,690 Thanks: 66,280 Thanked 209,982 Times in 15,730 Posts	"To Me" ""To you"

August 6th, 2018, 08:06 PM	#13629
Aaron Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: U.S. of A. Posts: 206 Thanks: 6,639 Thanked 2,740 Times in 201 Posts	Nurses and doctors are in a hurry when they lack patients.

August 6th, 2018, 09:15 PM	#13630
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,169 Times in 60,062 Posts	A man takes his twelve year old daughter to the pharmacy. At the counter he asks the pharmacist what kind of contraception he would recommend for her. Taken aback by the girls apparent age, the pharmacist asks, "Sir, do you mean to tell me your daughter is sexually active?" To which the man replies, "Ah heck naw. she jus' lays there like her mother." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway? Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the films. I ran over, cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time. We screwed all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top." "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?" "Dunno," replied the man. "Never found the head!"