Post your corny jokes - Page 339

**Eric Cartman** · January 18th, 2012, 02:09 PM

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.

female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.

male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.

female: A woman who makes love to other women.

male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.

female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.

male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."

male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.

male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.

female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.

male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

hubsy · January 18th, 2012, 02:25 PM

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By January 31, 2012

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day...
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor!

From the Guy in the Witness Protection Program

**KingKeigh** · January 18th, 2012, 05:02 PM

Q: Why don't lead singers need Viagra?

A: Because it only makes them taller

**Jeff Vader** · January 18th, 2012, 05:06 PM

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill. They were goodyears...

**Eric Cartman** · January 19th, 2012, 03:29 PM

Coming out from the hairdresser, a young woman sees a police officer writing a ticket. "Hey, give a girl a break." she says.

The officer responds, "Just doing my job m'am."

"You can't be serious, you slimy low-life." she adds as he's busy writing another ticket for worn tires. "You no good piece of meat" she shouts as she notices him writing yet another ticket for a missing wiper blade.

As she walks away, the officer hears her quietly say "Thank God my car's parked around the
corner!"

**Jeff Vader** · January 19th, 2012, 03:33 PM

I can't wait for summer - low-cut tops, short skirts, flip flops...

they do make me look a bit gay though

captain fanta · January 20th, 2012, 08:21 AM

My friend bet me £100 that I couldn't swallow 5 viagras at once.

I thought, how hard can it be?

captain fanta · January 20th, 2012, 09:38 AM

After landing myself in jail, I spent the first 3 hours getting bummed senseless.

My uncle takes monopoly way too seriously..

**dbailey** · January 20th, 2012, 11:01 AM

I like my women like I like my Italian cruises

Wrecked

Wet

and ready to go down

**jackpinesavage** · January 20th, 2012, 02:31 PM

Three women are at a cocktail party. The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

January 18th, 2012, 02:09 PM	#3381
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	She/He Definitions Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer. Thingy (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing ball without a cup. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys. Butt (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ of mooning (and farting). Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion. male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding. Making love (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes. Taste (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out. Last edited by Eric Cartman; January 18th, 2012 at 02:59 PM..

January 18th, 2012, 05:06 PM	#3384
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill. They were goodyears... __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

January 19th, 2012, 03:33 PM	#3386
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I can't wait for summer - low-cut tops, short skirts, flip flops... they do make me look a bit gay though __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

January 20th, 2012, 02:31 PM	#3390
jackpinesavage Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: My House Posts: 1,778 Thanks: 4,039 Thanked 36,058 Times in 1,765 Posts	Bragging Rights Three women are at a cocktail party. The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis." The first woman looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks." The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford." "Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

January 18th, 2012, 02:25 PM	#3382
hubsy Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 108 Thanks: 2,416 Thanked 1,892 Times in 107 Posts	Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By January 31, 2012 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum .. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day... And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor! From the Guy in the Witness Protection Program

January 18th, 2012, 05:02 PM	#3383
KingKeigh Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Southern NJ Posts: 514 Thanks: 1,834 Thanked 6,536 Times in 512 Posts	Q: Why don't lead singers need Viagra? A: Because it only makes them taller

January 19th, 2012, 03:29 PM	#3385
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	Coming out from the hairdresser, a young woman sees a police officer writing a ticket. "Hey, give a girl a break." she says. The officer responds, "Just doing my job m'am." "You can't be serious, you slimy low-life." she adds as he's busy writing another ticket for worn tires. "You no good piece of meat" she shouts as she notices him writing yet another ticket for a missing wiper blade. As she walks away, the officer hears her quietly say "Thank God my car's parked around the corner!"

January 20th, 2012, 08:21 AM	#3387
captain fanta Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 79 Thanks: 39,777 Thanked 1,012 Times in 75 Posts	My friend bet me £100 that I couldn't swallow 5 viagras at once. I thought, how hard can it be?

January 20th, 2012, 09:38 AM	#3388
captain fanta Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 79 Thanks: 39,777 Thanked 1,012 Times in 75 Posts	After landing myself in jail, I spent the first 3 hours getting bummed senseless. My uncle takes monopoly way too seriously..

January 20th, 2012, 11:01 AM	#3389
dbailey Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Wharfedale, Yorkshire, UK Posts: 2,298 Thanks: 137,964 Thanked 24,965 Times in 2,218 Posts	I like my women like I like my Italian cruises Wrecked Wet and ready to go down