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May 11th, 2018, 10:51 AM | #13361 |
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Mary Todd Lincoln walks into a restaurant. The maitre 'd is a Democrat. He asks the former First Lady, "Would you like a table or a Booth?"
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May 12th, 2018, 01:18 AM | #13362 |
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my brain...
'where have I left my keys?' then: 'Alicia Keys, Alicia Augello Cook, born January 25, 1981'
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May 12th, 2018, 11:11 AM | #13363 |
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St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play? |
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May 13th, 2018, 04:24 AM | #13364 |
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I went to the zoo, saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the keeper what it was. He said it was bread in captivity.
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May 13th, 2018, 10:07 AM | #13365 |
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Was set upon by three muggers last night , still managed to knock one out.
Not the best time for a wank I know, but it could have been my last !.
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May 14th, 2018, 04:32 PM | #13366 |
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What did the the drummer call his twin daughters ? ,
Anna one, Anna two . Bought some shoes from a drug dealer earlier , Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day. What do you call a bear after you've kicked his teeth out ? , Gummy .
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May 14th, 2018, 10:38 PM | #13367 |
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One pleasant Sunday afternoon a man was out in his driveway washing his car with his son.
After a short time the son says "Dad?" The father replies "Yes, son?" "Couldn't you use a sponge instead?" |
May 14th, 2018, 10:55 PM | #13368 |
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I once had a girlfriend called Encyclopaedia. She had an answer for everything.
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May 15th, 2018, 10:55 PM | #13369 |
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May 16th, 2018, 01:00 PM | #13370 |
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My boss is a real ass man. He only cares about The Bottom Line.
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