Post your corny jokes - Page 503

**gedly** · September 18th, 2012, 04:39 PM

I had a terrible day in London. Took The Tube to get to Buckingham Palace and finished up in Cockfosters. That really was the end of the line for me.

skye22 · September 18th, 2012, 04:56 PM

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

skye22 · September 18th, 2012, 04:57 PM

Three couples went out camping.
The three husbands stayed in one tent
and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning,
Bob woke up and yelled,
"Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent

and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the
biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said,
"Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my dick you're holding!"

skye22 · September 18th, 2012, 06:40 PM

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

**gedly** · September 18th, 2012, 09:44 PM

As long as I live, I'll never remember the day I was diagnosed with amnesia.

**slisse** · September 19th, 2012, 02:26 PM

Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them ‘brides of Christ’.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

**slisse** · September 19th, 2012, 02:26 PM

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marvelling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.

"How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that is four and a half years ago."

skye22 · September 19th, 2012, 04:25 PM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

**gedly** · September 19th, 2012, 04:47 PM

I was told today by the doctor that I've got laryngitis. I was speechless, just lost for words.

skye22 · September 19th, 2012, 04:47 PM

A husband says to his wife,
"Shall we try a different position tonight"?
The wife replies,
"Sure...you stand by the ironing board, while i sit on the sofa and fart!".

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September 18th, 2012, 04:39 PM	#5021
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,306 Times in 3,171 Posts	I had a terrible day in London. Took The Tube to get to Buckingham Palace and finished up in Cockfosters. That really was the end of the line for me.

September 18th, 2012, 04:56 PM	#5022
skye22 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 293 Thanks: 15,910 Thanked 5,975 Times in 289 Posts	A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk." Indian: "Horse no talk" Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?" Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk." Indian: "Dog no talk." Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?" Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk." Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

September 18th, 2012, 04:57 PM	#5023
skye22 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 293 Thanks: 15,910 Thanked 5,975 Times in 289 Posts	Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding!"

September 18th, 2012, 06:40 PM	#5024
skye22 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 293 Thanks: 15,910 Thanked 5,975 Times in 289 Posts	The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

September 18th, 2012, 09:44 PM	#5025
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,306 Times in 3,171 Posts	As long as I live, I'll never remember the day I was diagnosed with amnesia.

September 19th, 2012, 02:26 PM	#5026
slisse Vintage Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: BE Posts: 2,405 Thanks: 32,668 Thanked 72,518 Times in 2,481 Posts	Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them ‘brides of Christ’. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?" One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

September 19th, 2012, 02:26 PM	#5027
slisse Vintage Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: BE Posts: 2,405 Thanks: 32,668 Thanked 72,518 Times in 2,481 Posts	Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that is four and a half years ago."

September 19th, 2012, 04:25 PM	#5028
skye22 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 293 Thanks: 15,910 Thanked 5,975 Times in 289 Posts	A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

September 19th, 2012, 04:47 PM	#5029
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,306 Times in 3,171 Posts	I was told today by the doctor that I've got laryngitis. I was speechless, just lost for words.

September 19th, 2012, 04:47 PM	#5030
skye22 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 293 Thanks: 15,910 Thanked 5,975 Times in 289 Posts	A husband says to his wife, "Shall we try a different position tonight"? The wife replies, "Sure...you stand by the ironing board, while i sit on the sofa and fart!".