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Old 03-04-2018, 10:13 PM   #13421
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A man comes home after a hard day's work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap. "What are you doing in my fridge?" the man asks. The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" "Um, yes" the man replies. "It is."

"Well then," the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, "I am twying to west."
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Old 03-05-2018, 12:15 AM   #13422
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Originally Posted by captain fanta View Post
Charles Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialised in 2 local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
Well played, good sir!

May I add, it's not a well known fact, but Dickens' first novel was inspired by his tryst with a prostitute who was an amputee from the waist down. Sadly, it remains largely unknown. _A Sale of Two Titties_, I believe it was called.

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Old 03-05-2018, 01:41 PM   #13423
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On the roof of a very tall building are four men: one is asian, one is mexican, one is black and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and throws the white guy off the roof.
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Old 03-05-2018, 03:13 PM   #13424
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Originally Posted by trailmaster View Post
On the roof of a very tall building are four men: one is asian, one is mexican, one is black and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and throws the white guy off the roof.
Good thing they didn't let the white guy go first. He'd've thrown the other three off the roof for his people
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:27 PM   #13425
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
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Old 03-06-2018, 03:45 AM   #13426
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Three Polish Guys were going to rob people at a government cheese line. They waited for the people to exit the building with their bags of free government cheese.

After getting the bags, they got away and went back to the hideout. They all compared their bags of loot. The first man opened his bag and said that his bag had American Cheese.

The second man did the same thing as the first man, and said his bag was filled with Swiss Cheese.

The third man looked perplexed at his bag. The other two asked what was wrong. He said he had Black Cheese. The others looked at him strangely. He stole it from a black guy, who chased him as he got away, all the while screaming, "NACHO CHEESE, NACHO CHEESE"!
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 03-06-2018, 09:00 AM   #13427
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If you're American before you go to the toilet.... And you're American when you come out of the toilet.... What are you while you're in the toilet?

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Old 03-06-2018, 09:42 AM   #13428
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Originally Posted by BCFC_1982 View Post
in the toilet?
With wet feet or just flippers?
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Old 03-06-2018, 12:55 PM   #13429
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Smile

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd" , answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"

A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!" "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"
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Old 03-06-2018, 11:36 PM   #13430
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A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, “I want that one!”
He replies, “It’s not for sale.”
The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.
The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”
The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”
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