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Old 03-02-2018, 01:22 AM   #13391
Aaron
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Leopards are perfectly camouflaged for spotty vegetation.
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Old 03-02-2018, 12:22 PM   #13392
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The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said. "Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last for an hour?"
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Old 03-02-2018, 11:31 PM   #13393
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I went to see my 80 year old neighbour today. I asked if she wanted anything from the supermarket. She said yes so I gave her a list of some things I needed. I mean, both of us can't be going out in this cold weather.
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Old 03-03-2018, 03:26 PM   #13394
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A guy walks into a bar and spots a beautiful Native American Woman sitting at the bar, The man says to the bartender that he wants to buy the woman a drink. The bartender refuses. The man asks why. The bartender says that he'll get in trouble with the CP.

"What's the CP?" asks the man. "City Police", replies the bartender. Ten minutes later, the man asks the bartender again to get the woman a drink on him. The bartender says that he'll get in trouble with the SP.

"What's the SP?" asks the man. "State Police", replies the bartender.

Ten minutes later the woman exits the bar and soon after the man follows. A half hour later the man reappears at the bar but looks like a tornado hit him, with his face bruised and his shirt and pants all torn.

"What the hell happend to you?, asked the bartender. The man answered that he got in trouble with the F B I! "What's the F B I stand for!" said the bartender. "FUCKING BIG INDIAN!!" yelled the man.
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 03-03-2018, 03:31 PM   #13395
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A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, "Why are these penguins in your truck?" The man replied, "These are my penguins. They belong to me." "You need to take them to the zoo," the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" the officer said. "I did," the man replied. "And today I'm taking them to the beach."
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Old 03-04-2018, 06:51 PM   #13396
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I once had a missonary burger, It was in a funny position at the time
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Old 03-04-2018, 06:51 PM   #13397
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A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.
“You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.”
Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.
“Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs.”
Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.
“Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina.”
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 03-04-2018, 07:00 PM   #13398
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A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.
“That’s something you’re never going to talk about again. And you shouldn’t touch it because it has teeth,” she replied.
Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.
One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got
married.
On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
“No,” he said. “It’s got teeth.”
“Silly goose!” she said. She spread her legs wide for him to
see. “See? No teeth!”
“Well, I’m not surprised,” he replied. Not with gums like that
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 03-04-2018, 10:41 PM   #13399
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Charles Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialised in 2 local papers.



It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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Old 03-04-2018, 11:13 PM   #13400
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A man comes home after a hard day's work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap. "What are you doing in my fridge?" the man asks. The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" "Um, yes" the man replies. "It is."

"Well then," the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, "I am twying to west."
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