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Old 02-27-2018, 02:51 AM   #13391
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Exclamation Redneck Jedi

You know you're a Redneck Jedi if:

1. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
2. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
3. The worst part of living on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
4. You have ever used you light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
5. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
6. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
7. Although you had to kill him you kinda thought that Jabba The Hut had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 02-27-2018, 02:53 AM   #13392
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Q: Why do witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?

A: Better traction.
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Old 02-27-2018, 02:58 AM   #13393
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One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, 'Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees. . . Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
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Old 02-27-2018, 06:45 AM   #13394
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Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.
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Old 02-27-2018, 10:29 AM   #13395
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"Anything that can be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise, will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise" -

Cole's Law
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Old 02-27-2018, 12:46 PM   #13396
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I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."
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Old 02-28-2018, 02:58 AM   #13397
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After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers:
“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.
The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”
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Old 02-28-2018, 03:01 AM   #13398
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me,
April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,”
But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and
April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did
Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.
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Old 02-28-2018, 12:42 PM   #13399
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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering "Dave, you're a veterinarian..."
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:23 AM   #13400
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A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”
She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the heck was that?”
She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”
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