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Old 02-25-2018, 02:21 PM   #13391
mrfixit
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 02-25-2018, 02:48 PM   #13392
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Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.
“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”
Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.
“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 02-25-2018, 05:06 PM   #13393
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Old 02-26-2018, 02:35 AM   #13394
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Me Being A Smartass Chapter Three:
Making Change


Girl At Checkout Counter: "That'll be $5.75."
Me: "Can you change a twenty?"
Girl At Checkout Counter: "Certainly."
Me: "Great. Change it into a hundred for me, will ya?"
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Old 02-26-2018, 02:18 PM   #13395
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I got stopped by the police,the copper came over and said, were doing a Spot check,,I said, ive got 2 blackheads on my nose and a boil on me arse,,,,
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Old 02-26-2018, 02:42 PM   #13396
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I was driving my convertible car with hood down the other day and a copper on a bicycle came up to me and told me to pull over, so I did.

He walked around the car looking in all the seats and then looked at me and asked:

"Are you the driver of this vehicle sir?"

I said:

"Well, it is automatic, but I do have to go with it."
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Old 02-27-2018, 01:51 AM   #13397
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Exclamation Redneck Jedi

You know you're a Redneck Jedi if:

1. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
2. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
3. The worst part of living on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
4. You have ever used you light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
5. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
6. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
7. Although you had to kill him you kinda thought that Jabba The Hut had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 02-27-2018, 01:53 AM   #13398
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Q: Why do witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?

A: Better traction.
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 02-27-2018, 01:58 AM   #13399
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One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, 'Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees. . . Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
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"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 02-27-2018, 05:45 AM   #13400
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Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.
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