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Old 02-20-2018, 01:17 PM   #13361
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I wonder how many second graders I could beat up if they came at me in waves of ten with a fifth grader boss every fifth wave
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Old 02-20-2018, 02:21 PM   #13362
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Sometimes I wonder...

...whatever happened to the people who asked me for directions...?
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Old 02-20-2018, 03:19 PM   #13363
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Two guys were in the golf club when he turned to his buddy and noticed he had a black eye. He asked his friend about it so he told him how he got it.

The man started to play a round of golf. He was behind a woman who was just learning the game. The man noticed that her ball went all over the place and sometimes would have to look for it.

One hole was near a cow pasture. He watched the lady put the ball into the cow pasture. So as a gesture of good faith, she asked for help to look for it.

They both looked for an hour in the cow pasture, with no success of finding the ball. Then out of the corner of his eye he notices a cow walking funny. He went to the cow and found that the woman's golf ball was in the rear end of the cow.

He yelled at the lady, and lifted the cow's tail and said, "Does this look like yours!?". That's how he got the black eye!
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson

Last edited by bfg9000; 02-20-2018 at 03:22 PM.. Reason: had to edit it
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Old 02-20-2018, 06:27 PM   #13364
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So these coppers say to me, "Look, all we want are names and addresses. That's all we need. What can you do for us?"
So I reply, " Well have you tried going to the municipal offices and asking for the voters' register?"
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Old 02-20-2018, 08:56 PM   #13365
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Here's something that popped into my head for no reason:

What do you call a Russian feminist?

Miss Soginistik!
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Old 02-20-2018, 11:07 PM   #13366
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 02-20-2018, 11:25 PM   #13367
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 02-20-2018, 11:28 PM   #13368
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ManofKent View Post
Here's something that popped into my head for no reason:

What do you call a Russian feminist?

Miss Soginistik!
That would be Ms. Soginistik
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Old 02-21-2018, 12:32 AM   #13369
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Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.
“So what do I do first?”
His father replied, “Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.”
5 minutes later Fred’s on the phone again.
“She’s naked and in bed, what do I do now???
His father can’t believe what he is hearing, “Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her.”
After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again.
“Dad, I’m naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?”
His dad’s patience is now running thin so he says, “Shit son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Goodnight!!!”
Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. “Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next”
“DROWN YOURSELF, YOU F**KING IDIOT!
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Old 02-21-2018, 11:54 AM   #13370
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There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for manay, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "Fuck you"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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