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Old 03-10-2018, 04:04 PM   #13361
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Breaking News !!!!,,,,David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff,,Well he can"t be arsed with the Hassel anymore,,,
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Old 03-11-2018, 01:55 AM   #13362
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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
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Old 03-11-2018, 02:45 AM   #13363
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I had called my mom and dad to check on them and catch up on the news from home. Dad said that Mom needed a hobby to keep her from getting bored. He knew she wanted to play the piano, so he had bought a piano to keep her busy.

I asked how she was doing. My father answered that he had to switch her to playing the saxophone. "Why on Earth did you do that for?", I asked. "So to stop her from singing along!" said the father.
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"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 03-11-2018, 02:49 AM   #13364
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrfixit View Post
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
I heard that one from Ron "Tater Salad" White on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour years ago and it's still funny today! Thanks for the memories pal.
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"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 03-12-2018, 06:46 PM   #13365
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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s.x for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”
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Old 03-12-2018, 06:50 PM   #13366
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I never seem to have any money before Easter. It's all Lent.
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Old 03-12-2018, 09:42 PM   #13367
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"How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Don't know, it's never been tried".

Ken Dodd - 1927 - 2018.
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Old 03-12-2018, 11:39 PM   #13368
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummi bear.
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Old 03-13-2018, 01:04 AM   #13369
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Imaginary New Condom Brands:

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Toyota condoms - Oh what a feeling.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.

KFC condoms - Finger-lickin' good.

J Ford condoms - The best never rest.

Bounty condoms - The quicker picker-upper.

Energizer condoms -It keeps going and going and going.

M & M's condoms -It melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

Star Trek condoms - To boldly go where no man has gone before.


Why are condoms like cameras? - they both capture the moment.
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Old 03-13-2018, 01:33 AM   #13370
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15 Female Thoughts:

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila..

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK.They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
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