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Old 02-21-2018, 12:25 AM   #13361
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Old 02-21-2018, 12:28 AM   #13362
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ManofKent View Post
Here's something that popped into my head for no reason:

What do you call a Russian feminist?

Miss Soginistik!
That would be Ms. Soginistik
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Old 02-21-2018, 01:32 AM   #13363
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Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.
“So what do I do first?”
His father replied, “Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.”
5 minutes later Fred’s on the phone again.
“She’s naked and in bed, what do I do now???
His father can’t believe what he is hearing, “Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her.”
After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again.
“Dad, I’m naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?”
His dad’s patience is now running thin so he says, “Shit son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Goodnight!!!”
Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. “Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next”
“DROWN YOURSELF, YOU F**KING IDIOT!
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Old 02-21-2018, 12:54 PM   #13364
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There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for manay, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "Fuck you"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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Old 02-22-2018, 03:34 AM   #13365
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.
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Old 02-22-2018, 12:46 PM   #13366
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her, He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"
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Old 02-22-2018, 05:16 PM   #13367
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By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded to the last hotel manager, “Or just a bed–I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
“Never better.” John said.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”
“How’d you manage that?”
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Good night, beautiful” and he sat up all night watching me.”
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Old 02-22-2018, 07:34 PM   #13368
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!

”I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” 
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
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Old 02-22-2018, 09:54 PM   #13369
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viagra shipment stolen ... cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals
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Old 02-23-2018, 07:26 AM   #13370
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A Sudanese, an Indian and a Singaporean were asked, "In your opinion, what is the nutritional value of beef?" The Sudanese said, "What is nutritional value?" The Indian said, "What is beef?" and the Singaporean said, "What is an opinion?" - Karl Nelson, as recounted to Paul Theroux.
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