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July 26th, 2017, 03:18 PM | #481 |
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Sometimes I fall asleep...while my wife's yelling at me. She usually knows what to do.
Last edited by PatentHappy; July 26th, 2017 at 06:23 PM.. Reason: A contraction improves the flow of the joke |
July 26th, 2017, 03:21 PM | #482 | |
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Spike your beer Clean the house
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July 26th, 2017, 05:28 PM | #483 |
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Rudeness keeps your girl-count low
Someone called me passive-aggressive for being nice to jerks. I look at it as choosing to not be manipulated by someone's rudeness...which not only surprises them, but frequently gets them angrier. Yup, I guess that is passive-aggressive. All I know is it feels too good to stop because I win either way. Sometimes, they respond kindly (win). Sometimes I get them upset instead of them, me (bigger win).
Remember kids: Stay...Off...Rudeness. Rudeness keeps both your salary and girl-count low. |
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July 26th, 2017, 05:35 PM | #484 |
Lost luggages?
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When my latest son (7 months) falls asleep!
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July 26th, 2017, 07:21 PM | #485 |
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Inappropriate Car Humor?
Murphy's Law dictates that I will accidentally upset my wife just before we both have to go somewhere in the car. She's so angry she jerks the seat belt too hard so it locks before fully retracted. She rapidly repeats the sequence which keeps re-locking it. She yells at me because 'the seat belt's broken' while I calmly attempt to explain how the inertial locking mechanism works.
Me: "Maybe a littler slower this time, honey." Her: "I AM!" I try my best to stifle a laugh because the scene is painfully funny (picture a registered rageaholic with a record of violence toward inanimate objects). Those are some of my best days. You can't buy humor like that...but you have to pay with a lot of bitten lips. |
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July 26th, 2017, 09:12 PM | #486 |
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Going to bed early and wake up early to listen at the birds.
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July 26th, 2017, 09:25 PM | #487 |
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I worked with an old miner, who told me that due to arthrosis, he had to remove his both knees and put "artificial" ones in something that look like "teflon". According to him, he never suffered again after his operation, while before it, he sometimes was unable to sleep. My older cousin change his ankle in the same way. He was unable to walk and a few monthes after the operation, we made long walk in the mountains together. Did you speak to maybe put artificial joints with your doctor? |
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July 27th, 2017, 02:43 AM | #488 | |
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A Cat Like That...You Just Don't Eat All At Once
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Q: "But how did it lose its leg?" A: "A pig like that, you just don't eat all at once.") |
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July 29th, 2017, 02:28 PM | #489 |
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I usually shoot for endearingly annoying
15 minutes after I've taken 2 Excedrin to stave off a migraine, its caffeine kicks in. What usually follows is a non-stop, involuntary (but welcome) brain-storming session of ideas, inventions, and well-turned-phrase-wanna-be wording to the family member in closest proximity.
I usually shoot for endearingly annoying, but settle for mid-wit. The caffeine buzz can last an hour...or until I hear the familiar 'you're not funny, dad'. I repeat my mantra: "They only respond if they love you." That's when I know I'm in my zone. |
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July 30th, 2017, 02:36 AM | #490 |
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Dreaming I'm having a fag !
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